A Pandemic Of The People

I have been accused of "mocking" covid deaths. I have been accused of being "ok with killing grandma". I have been accused of being a negligent parent whose child may not survive his fifth birthday. Those are hateful and hurtful and untrue things to say. I am writing here to shed a humane light on people like me. To defend myself, and to defend others like me. Maybe some don't think that's necessary--that I'm being too sensitive or blowing this out of proportion. Maybe some who used to like me now hate me? Maybe some think I've gone nuts. Maybe some are curious, and open, and want to listen. And, I know some of you are just like me.

I hope whoever you are, that you stay here. And hear me out. Find comfort in what I write, or find some sense of understanding. We can agree, and we can disagree. Either is ok with me. But it's not ok with me to be accused of the above. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

How'd we all get here, to where we are now? How'd we all arrive at the place we are at with the virus that shall not be named? *(btw ok I'll speak its name later)* If we've been lucky enough to survive it? (And by *it* I mean the virus the inhumane deaths the lockdowns the restrictions the mandates the isolation the mental health strains the physical health deterioration the social skills declines the financial devastation the fear the confusion the the the systemic inequalities the polarization the tribalization the the the the the the the the...). 

How'd we all arrive at the place we are at with this pandemic?

How'd we all arrive at the place we are at with these restrictions and mandates created for this pandemic, for this virus that shall not be named (yet)? (Note: I was going to go the whole post without naming it, but changed my mind at one point, and don't feel like editing that out, ok?)

If you read my fb posts, which I'm guessing you do since that is likely why you are here, you will have noticed a theme in the last several months. Why such theme lately? Why haven't I just gone along with the narrative that most people have, understandably, gone along with? Probably cause I'm some kind of deranged selfish right wing lunatic anti-vaxxer anti-sciencer imbecile who uses too much of her time rabbit-holing down strange internet paths, right? 

Remember back when this whole thing started? I do. I was on the playground after school some December of 2019, chatting with friends. A particular friend was a real news follower, particularly of CNN. She started sharing her concerns about what was happening in China. It started to worry me a bit, but not as much as it was clearly worrying her. One day I overheard another couple of friends get in a heated debate about this, with one proclaiming hysterically how so many people were dying, and the other countering back in a measured way, later admitting to me that she just wasn't that worried about it.

But then those conversations stopped happening after school, cause school closed. And a couple weeks after that I lost my job. And then I went on government assistance for a short while so I could do the things that needed doing with my kids who were no longer in school. In a quick turn around of hindsight, I realized how grateful I was to not have to be working anymore, cause I don't know how I would've managed working while homeschooling 3 children. (For those of you who've had to do it, wow I feel for you!!!)

We all stayed home, as we were told to do. Barely venturing farther than our own alley-way to do some jump roping during the end of the day stir-crazies. Always going onto the balcony to cheer for the "healthcare makers", as Hosea called them, at 7pm. The kids didn't even see their dad, other than from the balcony, for at least a month. None of us knew enough about the virus at that point, and I didn't want the back and forth between households, for all of our protection. It was an amicable decision, but a painful one. 

Eventually the kids went back to their dad's again, and eventually we ventured on walks, and to our beloved playground. That playground was roped off all of spring 2020, and no kids were there. Hosea climbed up one of his favourite trees and mused about how sad it was outside. It was. It was so quiet and so sad. And creepy too. Things were happening at that park that didn't used to happen. People were wandering and looming and bothering and unstable. We got spooked quite a few times, but we still tried to go outside here and there. 

Eventually we ventured elsewhere, too, to the nearby high school track and field. We discovered that lots of people were exercising there and socializing at a distance. My heart warmed at how sweet it was to see young children watch their parents work out! Normally probably segregated from that observation...now learning so much and bonding through it. Lovely! Lovely, too, the little reunions we had with people there. At a distance. Inside the painted on sports grids of the grass. And gradually less so as we got more comfortable.

Eventually school re-opened here, after a couple of months. But it was a weird voluntary piece-meal thing and by that time 3 weeks of piece-meal school before summer seemed more trouble than it was worth, so summer extended for us. Which was nice, cause soon more things opened, and playgrounds were un-roped/un-ribboned and more people reunited. Outside, of course. At a distance, of course. "Social distance!" parents would remind their eager kids. As we social distanced in our own circles of giddy pent up conversation.

I remember thinking maybe the whole thing was wrapping up! School was rumoured to start back up fully in the fall. I got a new job to do from home. The long spring break / summer was coming to a close. In and out of all this I reflected on what I'd learned, how I'd grown, what I wanted to take with me...what I hoped to keep and hold onto and carry into the future! I worried things would just snap back to their old ways, and how that would be a real pity! 

I guess those worries have been in vain! Cause, as they say, that 2-weeks to flatten the curve has ummm reeeeeeeeeealllllllllly been dragging out. Hasn't it?

------------------------------------------------------------

And now we're in the omicron phase. Someone told me, as that started, that well if this part doesn't end it, then there's something else going on. I spose the jury's still out on that.

------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, we all know that eventually a vaccine was created for this thing. I, like many others, grew hopeful at the end of 2020. The vaccine would save us! All of this would indeed be a distant memory! I heard rumblings from some members of my family, though, concerns about what had been happening with the constant back and forth in restrictions, the way our eldest citizens had been treated, the way covid (the virus that shall now be named!) patients themselves had been treated, and worries over the vaccine. I didn't quite buy in. I was hopeful about the vaccine, I had gone along with everything and not thought toooooooo too critically about it. Just wanting to go along to get along so it could be over with. 

During my pregnancy was when the vaccine started rolling out in Canada. At first, it wasn't available to pregnant women, so I was a little more hopeful that others around me would have the protection, to protect ME! 

One day, though, something happened. I don't know what, or how, or where I saw it, or anything like that...but I realized that the vaccine didn't actually prevent transmission. (And now I'm triggering some reader here, I'm sure!) Well, THIS triggered ME! This upset me! I felt a bit duped! So I did some more research on it. BBC and BMJ articles on the vaccine trials, write ups and links about different kinds of vaccine technologies and their pros and cons, I noticed the news and how even vaccinated people were catching covid and spreading it. Of course, the mainstream media downplayed this. Some argued that the vaccine helped reduce one's viral load, making the vaccinated less likely to transmit (and that's still debatable and I'm sure is case by case). Anyway, I became more upset! That's when things cracked for me. 

------------------------------------------------------

At this omicron point in the pandemic, some people say well hey we were never told the vaccine would stop transmission. I believe that is a re-telling of the events, a rationalizing. In my personal life experience I have been (unfortunately!) gas-lit many-a-time. I am also skeptical/suspicious by nature. Sometimes that's absolutely not helpful, and it gets me into trouble! But sometimes it keeps me very much awake and alert. So, I was thinking, collectively our idea of a vaccine is that usually it stops transmission. If it didn't, why the push, during the pandemic, to give it to everyone? Wouldn't it be more of a personal choice, to protect oneself? Wouldn't it make sense to arm the hospitals better? With staff, beds, all kinds of possibilities of treatments? Wouldn't it make sense to arm the people with a variety of ways to protect themselves? Take care of our own health, take vitamin D and zinc and whatever else, get fresh air, lose weight? I began looking at graphs of covid deaths around the world and saw it disproportionately effects people 75 and older. I began noticing differences in the USA graphs--where obesity is a really big problem--and compared those graphs with graphs in places like very dense Japan. I began putting pieces together. Learning about the suppression of early treatments, the Great Barrington Declaration, the always sneaky deceit within pharmaceutical companies, the huge amount of profits those companies were making off of this pandemic. I began learning that many people around the world--in countries where over here we were told "oh no we are withholding the vaccine from these people!"...well in reality many of those people--and even their governments--did not even WANT the vaccine!

Why? Well because many people are skeptical of it, given how new the technology is for use in humans. And because of how fast it was rolled out. Usually a vaccine takes at least around 5 years to develop. Many people and places around the world have been exploited by pharmaceutical companies. Many people and places around the world haven't seen the same kind of obsession with the virus--with constant testing and masking and restrictions and lockdowns. So a vaccine might seem quite unnecessary to them! I'm sure I'm missing something. I don't know, I'm not there, I'm not those people! I got this from my reading. And...here's where I'll say go ahead and fact check me, or private message me with questions. On anything. I'm fine with that and advocate everyone do their own research.

--------------------------------------------------------

Well, ok. So...I couldn't take the vaccine, cause I was pregnant. And I was starting to think maybe it wasn't what I thought it was anyway! Suddenly, though, Canada started telling pregnant women to...take it! I was surprised by this, as it seemed so sudden. How could they know? All I'd read was that it hadn't been tested in pregnant women (and it'd barely been tested in non-pregnant people!) so why would I take the risk? My midwife had told me to avoid the anti-histamine I'd been taking for nausea, since there hadn't been ENOUGH research specifically into its effects on pregnant women. Anti-histamines have been around a very long time, to my knowledge! Anyway, the inconsistencies were strange to my mind. And thankfully my care providers never pushed the vaccine on me, or guilted or shamed me for choosing not to take it...in fact, they never even ASKED me about it!! Spring 2021 they simply sent out some information about the vaccines and pregnancy to their clients and had us read it to decide for ourselves. That was it.

What I read, well that was it for me again. No way did I feel it was a necessary risk for me to take it. I'd take my chances with the virus, knowing I was not an obese pregnant women, or a woman with a compromised immune system (I NEVER get sick when pregnant!), or someone with a compromised heart. I stayed away from band practice, didn't ride the bus much/or at all, and took good care of myself. If you read my last post, about Joey's birth, you'll see the issue of covid did come up as I was giving birth, but never the issue of vaccination. 

---------------------------------------------------------

Have I had family or friends affected by covid? Some seem to think I haven't, because of my views. Well, yes indeed! I have! I, like pretty much everyone else, know people who have had it. After all, we're all going to get it at some point! Vaccinated or not. Most cases in my life, vaccinated and not vaccinated, have been mild. Some went on a long time, but stayed mild. Some took early treatment and had only a one or two day bout. One was hospitalized. That person fit the expected demographic for hospitalization, though--unfortunately! But fortunately that person is just fine now! That person's experience in hospital was brutal. Not because of the virus, but because of the policies around the virus. I spose (I like saying spose instead of suppose, ok?) that's a reason I'm most afraid of the virus! I'm afraid of being isolated from my loved ones! I'm afraid of loved ones getting it and me having to watch them be isolated! I cannot understand why that was ever necessary. It seems so incredibly inhumane. It also seems inhumane, and short-sighted, to deny IVF treatments, and surgeries, and other preventative health procedures during this time. And I believe all this will catch up with all of us, sadly. Is that BECAUSE OF THE VIRUS? No, it's because of the policies around the virus. Am I The Expert? Of course not, but I do read a lot and do plenty of research, and have connections I trust. Am I ok if someone disagrees with me? Sure! Something that has been horribly missing during this whole thing is open and honest and RESPECTFUL debate. Between professionals, and between just regular people. This is something that disturbs me almost the most. 

Speaking of that, do I have family or friends with frontline medical experience? Yes I do. People I trust who have been silenced for questioning the covid protocols, who have lost DECADES LONG careers high in the medical field for refusing the vaccine. People who started out afraid of the virus, going along with the restrictions like so many others, only to slowly open their eyes to something else. How many people are aware that doctors and medical professionals who question the covid narrative do so at the risk of their medical license? Maybe that doesn't bother some. But for others, well let it sink in.

----------------------------------------------------------

Where I really get passionate is with the mandates. If these go on I will likely not be able to return to my job after my mat leave. No matter that most states and provinces do not have any mandatory vaccination policies otherwise! And, if they do, they provide generous religious, conscientious, or medical exemptions. I have heard from medical professionals in Washington State that they are not even allowed to write covid vaccine medical exemptions for their patients. Same is true in BC. Now that I'm not pregnant, well I'm breastfeeding, and this wasn't tested on breastfeeding mothers! So why would I take it? When children are at an essentially zero risk of hospitalization or death from covid? My kids play in the dirt, they run around in the cold and the rain and the puddles, they climb trees, they eat food that might've dropped briefly on the floor, they stick their face in snow, they run in the rain shirtless. Need I go on? I do not worry much about them catching viruses. I know they will. I know they are building their immune systems. They sleep and eat (mostly) well. They take their vitamins. I know the stats on covid transmission in schools, and covid transmission between children and adults. I know none of it is a risk I need to waste time worrying over. I worry more about the effects of masks on them, the effects from the pandemic stress they see in adults around them, I worry how they don't see their teacher's faces, I worry how they haven't been able to easily see their family in the states for two years now! I worry about the negative things their peers have said to them when they share they haven't gotten this covid vaccine. For example, "I'm not allowed to come to your house cause you're not vaccinated", and "My mom told me to stay away from you cause you're not vaccinated." True Story!! I worry about what is to come in this ever crazier world we live in.

..............................................................................

What about when I'm not breastfeeding? Will I get it then? Probably not. I'm not much at risk at this point, and I'd rather take my chances with the virus. Besides, I have life threatening and mysterious allergies to meds. Until those are sorted out I am double wary. No exemptions here, though, so for now I'm not allowed at restaurants (even outdoor dining), movie theaters, gyms or exercise classes, sporting events or concerts, indoor pools. Neither is Greta, cause she's 12. So she can't even attend her pottery class anymore. What's worse? I say what's worse is giving in to the mandate just to take a pottery class, when it risks her health and shows compliance to something that I believe is completely unfair and unethical. 

.............................................................................

Am I some crunchy granola hippie who never takes prescriptions or tylenol or even sees her family doctor? Nope. 

Do I eat completely healthy and all organic? Nope.

Have I ever drank too much alcohol or smoked cigarettes? Yep. 

Does that all mean I'm a hypocrite for not taking this vaccine? 

I don't think so! I should be allowed to assess for myself what I'm willing to put into my body. And I should be aware of the consequences.

Should the consequences be well now you don't get to participate in a large aspect of society? well now you shouldn't be employable? well now you should be called a mysogynist, racist, science denying extremist by your country's leader? No, I don't think so. All that doesn't really follow, to say the least.

................................................................................. 

Why am I writing this? People like me, "anti vaxxers" have been villified by our government and our mainstream media. Many people don't have the time or interest to realize that! Many people might see people like me as "other" as "not human" as thoughtless trouble makers or thoughtless selfish resisters. On the other hand, how many people got vaccinated just to go along to get along? Just to be able to eat out or take a trip or keep attending their exercise classes, or just to fit in and not be name-called? That's fine, I get it. And I'm sure there are many who got vaccinated because they believed it was the right thing to do, for the collective good, to get us out of this mess and to move on.

Well, my resisting it seems to be the right thing to do, for the collective good. Because whether or not someone like me thinks there's a globalist agenda going on here, or a depopulation movement, or simply that the pandemic has been poorly handled and greedy big pharma is taking advantage of it...well I want to fight those things for the collective good!

Does that mean I don't think covid can be serious? No.

Does that mean I don't care about other people? No.

Does that mean I think all vaccines are bogus? No. I've got all the others, and so do my kids. (But I'm starting to wonder!!!)

Does that mean I don't understand why others, on the "other side" of me, are scared? No.

Does that mean I think all pharmaceutical products and all politicians and all journalists are corrupt? No.

Does that mean I would never take a medical product that might help me get better if I were to develop a pretty nasty case of covid? No.

It just means I am very concerned for society, for Canada, for the world right now. If you haven't visited "this side" of things at all, I just want to humanize it. I want you to know that many of us over here are frightened. Not of the virus, but of what is happening between all of us. We are frightened at the demonizing of people like us, we are frightened by what feels like an over-reaching of the government, we are frightened of what might happen to people who take the vaccine (sure! most people seem fine after it as of now! and those MANY who DON'T have been silenced, and will not be compensated! let that sink in!), we are frightened of losing more and more rights, we are frightened about people committing unjust acts in the name of "just following orders", we are frightened of the hate and discrimination and segregation that's come out of what started as "we're all in this together".

All of us are unique. There are unique ways we can collectively come together in a pandemic and do our part. In groups like al-anon we are taught that we are not responsible for other people's choices, and that all we can do is take care of ourselves. That is a simplification, I am sure, but it feels important to think about right now. Two years into this and we know so much more how to keep ourselves safe! We know that mandates do more harm than good! We know that people are complex, and people base their choices and life decisions off of complex things such as their past, their health, their values, their beliefs--and sometimes those decisions might not make sense to everyone else, and sometimes those decisions fluctuate, and sometimes those decisions might be not the greatest! We have a real mess on our hands now, I can feel it and see it and hear it everywhere I go. It's time for us all to remember that "we're in this together", and that humanity is diverse. There is no one path. There is propaganda. We CAN AND SHOULD think for ourselves. We can respect one another. We can see the "other" as human again. We can stand up bravely AND compassionately for what we believe in. 

I will leave here with a couple of quotes that are thrown around often in my circle. I'm not in an echo chamber, by the way! I'm bombarded with the reasons to just go along to get along. I just don't think enough go-along-ers are aware of people like me. And people like me aren't all just people like me either. I am but one.  And I'm trying to be brave for those who aren't ready, and I'm trying to keep light on a narrative that has been silenced. Because, whether or not you agree with that narrative, silencing one is usually not a good idea.

----------------------------------------------------

So, I'm going to leave you with a quote. If you've already gotten your shots, well fine, you made the choice that felt best for you! And I am not here to shame you, because I do understand. Maybe you're on the fence about a booster. Maybe you feel duped. Maybe you don't understand why anyone would turn the vaccine down! Well, this is why I'm writing here, to shed light on those people like me whose guts tell them: 

“If you have to be persuaded, reminded, pressured, lied to, incentivized, coerced, bullied, socially shamed, guilt-tripped, threatened, punished and criminalized … If all of this is considered necessary to gain your compliance — you can be absolutely certain that what is being promoted is not in your best interest.” – Ian Watson

Take "best interest" broadly, please. But think about it. In this Pandemic Of The People (and btw, animals get this too, so we could never eradicate it!)...well in this Pandemic Of The People we must not just simply go along to get along. Or we might be stuck here forever. And I'm not finding this "here" to be all too great. Are you?