More Reasons "I Shouldn't Have Gotten Divorced"

It's been 10 years this summer since Matthew and I split. Well, at first we split and tried to work on things some more, but a few months into that and I knew I wasn't willing to try any longer. 

He always told me, having been through it himself as a kid, "Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving"...and, I've learned that. My parents are divorced too, but I didn't grow up that way. It's different when you grow up with it. It's also different--just in general--each situation, of course. Timing, age of children, reasons for it, logistics, conflict context and style...

In my naivete I didn't really understand what he meant by that, "Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving" idea. I just wanted out. 

There are a lot of things I would've done differently, in hindsight. I've learned so much in the last 10 years. I mean, I would HOPE so! Shouldn't that always be the case, anyway?

But, you know how you look back on when you were younger, less experienced in the world, and you just watch your old self and say wow, you were such a baby, wow, you just didn't have the tools, wow, you tried to TRY and do your "best", wow, that was rough for you, wow, you probably shouldn't have said that/done that/been that psycho/been so dramatic, wow, you probably should've been harder/softer/more resolute/more forgiving...well...we'll never know, will we? That's how it is!

That 10-15 years ago self of mine looks so unequipped to have dealt with what she was dealing with. She made a lot of mistakes. Her today self might've done many things differently.

Her today self knows: divorce really is the gift that keeps on giving.

But, Matthew also said something positive about second chances, when we both got into serious relationships post-ours. Something to the effect of: they are the blessing. They are where true forgiveness can lie. And grace.

I've learned so much with Simon, while being with Simon. 

It does feel like grace.

..................................................... 

More reasons, though, why "I Shouldn't Have Gotten Divorced":

*Every holiday is a juggling act: who gets the kids this Christmas? Sometimes we can't keep it straight. One gets Christmas Eve, the other gets Christmas, then switch off. What about all the days surrounding those festivities? Not to mention the loneliness that occurs when you don't have them, and you're maybe on your complete own (back in the old days) like, what? do I even HAVE a family? It's horrible, that part. Very jarring. Like that first Christmas was for me, when the kids were with Matthew and I travelled all by myself to see my Mom. And then other Christmases where he was the one alone...the messages I received from him at that time...were horrible. So: guilt, worry. Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving. 

*There's a sense of "I'm just fed UP with this baloney I want NO MORE of it!" with break ups, right? Probably whether or not you're the initiator, and no matter the circumstances. Unless you're just some peaceful amicable no nonsense situation. 

Divorce, in that *baloney* case, looks like

FREEDOM! Hooray I won't have to deal with this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

But: you do, you will. Especially if you have kids. The things the other one does that just drive you nuts (hey I'm no innocent either!) well you still have to deal with those things. Just, on a much smaller scale thank you so very very much. But, you're not done. You're not FREE.  

*With divorce, the kids live in these two different worlds, in a way. That house This house. There are things about That house that you'll just never know about. Or, that you'll know about and not be ok with, but really have no say in. There are things about That house that you'll just miss out on, that your kids love, that are a tradition, that you're just...well, locked out of, really. There's the back and forth, the scheduling challenges. Especially when you don't live super close. We used to, but we don't now, haven't for a few years. Living super close, though, also not ideal. Hey! Wanna run into each other at some awkward time!? Oh no! But now we get to have this ongoing tension about who provides the transportation. I just send them on transit, thank you big city, big kids. But, again, I can be very annoying to that other person and this choice I make is not always that person's favourite. 

*Which leads me to: you know how as a couple you always argue about, basically, the same thing over and over and over again? Well, with divorce, you'll keep doing that!! Just, not as often. Thankfully. But, perhaps, you'll have that argument even more dramatically--cause you're divorced and you have all this other baggage with one another and don't particularly get along super great. Oh! THIS argument again! Fun Times!!! Just, don't do it in front of the kids. It's better to keep that nonsense between yourselves, in the safety of your back and forth psycho let's try to be mature oh no it got psycho again that communication doesn't work when will you realize texting sessions. A phone call?!!! No. Way. 

*Your children will remind you of that OTHER person. When you're married to that other person, still with that other person, that might be fine, or, more subtle, maybe not even all that noticeable sometimes? You know, you need space to see that kind of stuff. But when you HAVE space from that other stuff, and you see those reminders....ohmygoodness. That can be rough. I mean, you DID marry that person at some point! So! So, not all of it is "rough", in an annoying/rage-inducing way. But maybe, too, that's another reason why this part is painful. They remind you of that person, that person in the loveliness that they once were to you, in ways. They remind you of that person you kind of wanted to not be reminded of anymore? (Oh that sounds so harsh and I don't mean it that way, but maybe you get what I mean.) It might trigger a lovely-yet-painful memory. It might trigger just absolute rage! That you will not show! You will not! But--it's INSIDE! Cause they're just doing that thing that that person does, or behaving in that way that that person behaves in, arguing in their style, saying that thing making that noise standing in that way, that way that you remember...and you just want to shake them of it. But, that's not possible. Or even ideal. And...that's your own problem. 

*Summer. Vacations. Time off. Always a negotiation. Choices you make for the kids, when are they supposed to be unilateral, when bilateral? Money? Oh, we fought about that enough while we were married we don't do that anymore. (FREEDOM!!!) But. It could come up. Just, much of that I really have let go of. 

*When you're married to that person and things are tense you still kind of have a say, or a hand-in, what's going on between them and the kids. You're aware of the parenting, you're part of it. When you get divorced, well, you've kind of forfeited your say. Maybe more mature divorced couples keep it...more mature, keep it more involved? But, I noticed right away that that was a scary zone for me. A zone I had to let go of. And who knows the ramifications. Who'll ever know. Not all negative, but. 

*At gatherings you always have this weird thing, especially in newly blended families...like this moment where it feels like you have to clarify something. (Is that just me?) Say the thing like oh yeah they're going to their dad's later. And then you get this look, like ohhhhhhhh I get it now. Your kids are from DIFFERENT DADS. I remember early on, dating this guy briefly, who, in getting to know me, asked if all three of my kids (by the way dates NEVER met my kids, only Simon did!) if all three of my kids were FROM THE SAME DAD. I was like aye yay yay YES! A little offended at the implications of his question. And then, a little offended at myself for having been offended by such a question. It keeps on giving, Divorce!

*When other people who got married around the same time as you celebrate their anniversaries...it's a little...painful. Just a twinge! That could've been me! That could've been us! Wow they did it, they're going on with it. (Good for you, by the way! Congratulations!!! Celebrate!)

*School conferences, concerts, games, graduations...all that stuff. Oh! Here we are again! Trying to interact! Maybe having a laugh! Maybe having a memory! Maybe having an annoyance! Maybe having a reminder of something of the good the bad the ugly! When can we be done here please I might not be able to do this much longer?!!! But! For the kids! For the kids I think it's awkward too. But, it's also important.

***** 

The other night Joey went to bed earlier than usual and Hosea had me to himself. "Mama, can you read to me?" he said. It'd been months. Cause finally at age 10ish he'd dropped the routine, not all that willingly, but out of necessity (on my part!). He still wants me to read to him though, pretty sure. So I did, this night he asked. Some new book, cause we're not into anything. Turns out in the book the kid calls his parents: "Mama and Papa", just like Matthew and I are to the three. Mama and Papa. Hosea interrupts, says, "Mama and Papa! Just like you and Papa!" "Yeah, Hosea,"...it's, a little painful of a moment. Hanging there. This Mama and Papa are still together in the book, having some conversation around the breakfast table or whatever before their kid goes off to school. Hosea never really had that. He was only 1.5-ish when his Mama and Papa split. I thought he'd be fine, he was so young. The girls were young enough. Everything I'd read said the danger years were the teens. The tweens, maybe. "Don't wait till then!!!!!!" some inner voice screamed at me. But, the thing is, Hosea's felt it, and shown that he's felt it, maybe stronger than anyone else. More to process, somehow. All muddled in there. He doesn't have those early on memories of Mama and Papa together, all that much. Of course I'm sure he would've wanted it that way. I think that's fair to say. 

But? The way it would've actually been?  The way it was that first year of his life? That pregnancy, all the stress? He doesn't know this, but I know this: he wouldn't have wanted it that way.

I think that's fair to say. 

Anyway, either way all the way around no matter the choice there wouldn't have been the ideal. The Mama and Papa in the book at the kitchen table.

---Sometimes, though, his Mama and Papa are at a picnic table celebrating a birthday together, or on the bleachers cheering him on for the game, or by his side celebrating a sisters' accomplishments, or having a civil conversation--maybe even sharing a joke!!--while his wide eyes and ears attend so inquisitively. That's...that's a gift we can keep giving him. Even with the Divorce and all its baggage, its many never-ending gifts.

And he can remind me of his dad with his noises, his way of walking, his stance, his jokes, his way of just carrying himself. The girls too, and so much of their ways of being--facial expressions, looks in their eyes, ways of telling a story or articulating something, just--sitting there. I'm sure Matthew sees it too, the Me in Them. And, even if it's infuriating or so painful at times, it's also kind of endearing. Kind of nice. Nice that I can SEE it, so clearly. More clearly than if we weren't divorced. Those noises, that way of walking, the stances, the jokes, that way of carrying the self, those certain looks in the eye, facial expressions, ways of telling a story or articulating something, no no no they were never a reason to get divorced.  

Matthew was right. And--at the same time--the chuckle and the smile, that feeling of history, of seeing a strand of a thread keep going even if it got super snagged--all that stuff that accompanies those reminders--well, that's all a little gift that keeps giving, too. 

Forgiveness and grace right there wound into the snags of life.