Time To Myself / The Change

You know when you get time to yourself -- that you've been craving -- and then, then it just completely flops? As you watch the sands of it all just slip thru, those finicky sands of time.

Summer parenting is a difficult thing. Everybody is home, all the time. If you work from home sometimes, well EVERYONE is home. All the time.

All. 

The.

Time. 

Teenagers. They stay up late. All the time. If you work a part day, well by the time you're done, they're just rising. Making their bleary eyed appearances. Needing things. (How dare they?!) Getting in your business, your space. (Where did these people come from?!)

If the childcare place takes a vacation, then you've got that piece to top it off. (Well why'd you have so many kids, then? Why'd you have kids?!)

*Why'd I have kids??*

Sometimes I go out on my bike these days, just to really let loose haha. Listen to my music, feel the wind in my face, centre myself again. Hoping when I get home I can hold on to it.

Sometimes the transfer goes well. Other times it's like a cold water shock to the system, getting back home.

Suddenly today I was handed this time to myself. Only, I'm not the only one home. But, I might as well be. It's just a teen here somewhere, lurking. So, not quite. But!

What should I do? Leave?

No.

Then I'd just spend money or something.

Chores? 

No, I can busy myself with those when people are here. 

How about tasks, tasks that take concentration. You know I have all these photos I constantly need to sift through, since our modern conveniences have given us so many more tasks. (Can't I just get AI to do this for me?) So. Sift. Sort. Update. Record Keep The Times. The Sands Of The Times. That are slipping thru.

 

--------------------------

 

How's that going?

Oh. The photos won't import. Some kind of blogger issue?

The other thing I wanted to do, work on the print out of the photo blog, well there's some kind of problem there too. So all I'm doing is trouble-shooting and waiting to hear the merry voice of my littlest guy come home. The spell to be broken. Just now the phone rang too and I had a horrible suspicion it was the other guy having gotten into some kind of mountain biking crash. (Cause where even is he?!) That'll wake me up. 

 

Sometimes it just seems like it all goes wrong. You wait for something and then you just don't know what to do with it and then you choose what to do with it and it just...all goes wrong.

Maybe I should go outside, and try not to buy something.

Maybe I could finish a book. Only, I'm restless.

I can't sing, someone will interrupt me as soon as I start, I'm sure.

 

Where are all my ideas? You know, the ones that fly thru my mind when I'm biking and centring myself? I caught them when I was out the other day but, like the sands of time they've slipped through...slipped through the crevices of my brain...my hands...gone...gone splat like the baby bird we saw writhing for life on the sidewalk today. (I'm ok, I am.)

Maybe this is why little ones throw tantrums.

I heard a few of those yesterday, out and about with Joey. Emotions!

 

Maybe this is why the middle of life is so hard. Does The Change have something to do with this? Sorry, Men, but you have something similar don't you? That maybe involves a sports car or who knows what else? I mean, that's what we're told. To complement the mood swings and hot flashes I guess? (So far no hots for me, just mooooooooods and blahhhhhhhhhhs.)

No one told me about The Change. Not like other stuff. This one just sneakily arrives and suddenly you're left wondering what the hell is happening to you. These moods. These non moods of blahhhhhhhs that are worse than any tantrum. Just, sitting in it. Paralyzed. Anchor-less. Looking for a direction. Looking for yourself. The Self that is changing, not coping well, needing time to look at the situation just look at it do I have to DO anything? Can I just sit in it? What if that's all I do am I doing it wrong am I making it worse is it going to get worse how much so how will I ever cope geesh this explains so-and-so oh lordy lord.

They got to the other side. I will too. But...then what? What's over there? 

 

How'd I get here, writing this? I think it's all connected. 

I know the teens are changing, all the time. 

The littlest, oh he's growing by leaps and bounds. 

They're going somewhere, though. Me?

 

This feels like...just iiiick. I'm visualizing a small boat, tied to the shore but...something's just...off. Something's just off about it. I can't even access the rest of the visual.

 

Where am I going? What does this Change bring? Can I handle my Purpose? What even is it?

 

And why does blogger let me WRITE (this, here) but not post my PHOTOS (over there) ffs?! 

I feel a tantrum coming on! 

I guess goooooooooooooooooood, I've still got it. The tantrum, that is.

And, I guess, ideas. To write about.  

But I think I'll need to go outside now, it's time for a cleanse. I won't buy anything though, what's the point? There's those blahhhhhs I guess they're good for...something.

 

And no, I don't want to talk about it. But if you're here too in this weird boat thing well I get you. I don't expect we're all coping the same or experiencing the same but...like hearing the mom screaming in the birthing room next to mine 15 years ago and connecting to that primal of human experiences through our evolution well...here, too. The strands are connected and they're sure to lead me...somewhere.

Somewhere where time to myself is not going to be such a scarce commodity. And I won't even be sad about that. I'll be centred, again...here and there.

Here and there.