When all is said and done And he is asleep I bleary-eye my way out of my warm, cozy bed Out of my room  Looking for my second wind The second wind that will  Mend the mending  Write the posts -- from swing years to thrift scores thru all the in betweens and overs and unders Plan the trips Organize the photos into tidy memories Do the things that aren't simply puttering Or eating ice cream out of the tub Do the things  With Intention, she says, that voice in there  But I think I left the second wind  Back in the bed Because all I can muster up is a few toys back to their basket and a bit more puttering -- through the time I've waited for all day --  Sending me back to the other time I've been waiting for all day:  sleep Cause all's been said and done And I can't do anything With Intention now  Except sleep.  If I don't -- Intentions will sleep in, With out me  They're sure needy.  And greedy.  And diligent. I wish they'd ge...

Below will be a series of stories from our trip. But first, an intro! But First, An Intro! When I was about 15 we went on a family trip to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. I bought the beautiful Mexican blanket I still have today, that sits here in my office and sometimes comes out on picnics with us (although I stopped using it in that way due to my realization of how special it is to me and my fears of leaving it someplace!!).  Ever since, I have looked back fondly on that vacation. It was the first of a handful of special trips my family took growing up, that weren't just In State or Visiting Family--we went to NYC, Cabo, Phoenix, Hawaii, Disneyland, and Washington DC from when I was 12-21! I felt rich, doing such things. Cause before I was 12 we never did such things, and others around me came back from spring breaks with tans, and talked about airplanes and stuff like that.  Of all the trips, Mexico always held my heart the most. I love the beach and the sun, we ate dinner at rest...

"Seasons change, feelings change..." remember that song?  About sums up Movie Night for me! Movie Night, one of those idealistic fresh parenting visions. From when you had the whole open road before you, you were going to set it ablaze in a new and world change-ing-ly beautiful way, full of vim and vigour and meaning and tradition and lessons and passion and energy.  Movie Night started when Greta was old enough to watch a movie for the first time, maybe around 2? Cause in those days oh lordy lordy we would've shielded her very precious eyes from screens for as long as possible! Ahhhhh those days. The innocence! The discipline! The principles! Yeah, so it's been going on for probably about 14, 15 years. Not the 16 I've been saying dramatically to the kids, but close enough. Loooooooooooooong Enough. Ha! Does anyone else do a movie night? Like a weekly or regular tradition of some sort with special foods and all that? Special rules or guidelines to kind of shape it...

An Understanding   Early on I had a dream that he died We hugged each other and cried She and I sharing a pain A pain warmed by our understanding    We've never hugged in real life I'm not even sure I've been smiled at Rarely looked in the eyes   Nevertheless we share An understanding   Another fork in a road brought her to me Our understanding, long overshadowed by self protection Re-surfaced  And for a long lingering moment her eyes shined as they looked right into mine She smiled, said, "Enjoy", exuding a warmth I'd only felt in the dream Almost like a real hug      

It's kind of like New Years, isn't it? We greet it with a bit of dread and a whole lot of hope! At least, I do! Some wistful reflection threaded thru as well. BIG plans: read more do homework FIRST MAKE them do their homework FIRST less screen time ok I'll be more involved this time around, maybe I'll volunteer or something ok I'll show more interest this time around, meddle a little more--so I'm in the know ok I'll chill out a little more--trust them to take care of the things--give them the chance I'll do homework when them before it's too late at night and we're all about to melt down I won't participate in any melt downs, I'll just maturely oversee and empathize I'll stay on top of, and of THEM on top of: Their Rooms, Their Laundry, Their Chores--pleasantly! consistently! well-oiled-machine in the works but not too well oiled ohmygoodness I don't need to run SUCH a tight ship! loosen up a little they're just kids still   ...

It's been 10 years this summer since Matthew and I split. Well, at first we split and tried to work on things some more, but a few months into that and I knew I wasn't willing to try any longer.  He always told me, having been through it himself as a kid, "Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving"...and, I've learned that. My parents are divorced too, but I didn't grow up that way. It's different when you grow up with it. It's also different--just in general--each situation, of course. Timing, age of children, reasons for it, logistics, conflict context and style... In my naivete I didn't really understand what he meant by that, "Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving" idea. I just wanted out.  There are a lot of things I would've done differently, in hindsight. I've learned so much in the last 10 years. I mean, I would HOPE so! Shouldn't that always be the case, anyway? But, you know how you look back on when you were young...