Again, I Survived: First Trimester Feels Like Death

I'm finally here again.

This being my fourth baby, and wanting to preserve the ME I'd been remembering since the last time I grew a baby 7 years ago, I intended to document each week of these 9 months. You know, to really appreciate it, and to carry on my writing, and to share it with others.

I started at Week 3ish, cause that's when I found out. Here are some preliminary excerpts. Check for a trend...

Weeks 1-4

(last part)

Thinking about how they (*my kids*) will welcome a baby is a beautiful thing, though. And holding on to myself through this process, as I write each week, is my future gift to all my children, and to myself. I hope others might enjoy as well.

                For now, though, I’m tired. Time to eat. See you next week.

 Week 5

(last part)

Well, I feel the laying down calling me, so I must heed that call. I might not be as inspired to write these next few weeks, cause first trimester and all, but I will do my best to keep in touch here, as this miracle of life unfolds. Until next time…

Week 6

(beginning...and there wasn't much more...)

                First trimester is hell on earth.

                I have cried this week, helpless tears.

                Familiar tears.

                First trimester is hell on earth. Why would anyone want to ever be pregnant?

Week 7

(not much more than this!...)

Just surviving.

How many times have I googled “what helps with nausea”?

I’m an expert.

Now I’m wearing those sea bands thingys. Hoping they keep kinda working. The only “work” anything does (B6, ginger, antihistamines…that apparently aren’t proven to be safe WTF?!) just take the edge off. The nausea is always waiting in the wings.

To top it off, I can’t sleep.

Let me always remember: if I can survive first trimester (which I can!), then I can survive anything.

Fuck you, first trimester!

 

Oh. Yes. Lots going on here inside my body. I’m glad everything seems to be working “right” and that’s why I feel like total DEATH!

Just typing this makes me dizzy. Gotta go.

....................

(and yes, I then completely skipped Weeks 8-11)

Week 12

(beginning...)

                Just reading back on all of that makes me depressed again. First trimester is a dark, dark tunnel of suffering.

                For me.

                I realize that some don’t ever get it as bad, and some get it even worse. But those who I ask, “Were you sick?” and spend more than 5 seconds having to think back on it and then say, “Oh yeah, I think I was a little bit”…well NO, NO YOU WEREN’T!

                I don’t ever have to be pregnant to remember how awful I’ve felt here. I knew, getting into it. I guess there’s always the hope it’ll be different this time around?

(and yes, I skipped even writing during Weeks 13-14, too much teasing...was I over First Trimester or wasn't I???)

Ok, So now Week 15 is upon me.

And I think I'm over First Trimester.

Clap! Clap! Clap! CLAPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally feel, not just myself soul-wise, but body-wise. I mean, aside from the fact I have this bump growing at my abdomen, and I have to pee more than usual, and I get a strange pit in my stomach when hungry...well, I've got my pep in my step back! Tea actually wakes me up! I! Can! Actually! Wake! Up!

Is it my age? 41 and pregnant? 

No. I was 29 and pregnant once. That first time with Greta when I felt completely side-swiped by the symptoms. This wasn't some kind of get-nauseous-throw-up-and-feel-better the rest of the day kind of thing. This was like having a horrible, horrible sickness for weeks on end. I think, with each pregnancy, the number of weeks on end increased, though. Because I don't remember it lasting as long with her. Longer with Therese, definitely longer with Hosea, and DEFINITELY longer with this one. So. Ok, age has probably been a factor! My midwife did say that often with each pregnancy the body is a little more comfortable, a little more knowing what it's doing, so it gets a little more fluid with the timelines. Geeeeeeee THANKS! That, and this time I didn't take any prescription medication for the nausea. I tried, but they just made me jittery-drowsy, making it even harder to sleep, and only suppressing my nausea slightly. So, maybe I felt it alllllllllllll more this time? And that's why it seemed longer than when I was 29? 

Before I knew I was pregnant with Greta, I remember going to an evening babysitting job to earn a little extra cash. Matthew was in grad school those days, and we had flexible schedules, so I signed on for extra work sometimes at night. I remember driving to that gig and arriving a little bit early. So I sat in the car, started to realize I was strangely EXHAUSTED, and took a little doze. So completely unlike me! Normal me would've used that time for a little walk around the block or something! Needless to say, getting up from that doze was horrible! But I did it, and did the job, and I'm pretty sure it was that night that I took a pregnancy test and discovered our first time of "trying" had worked. 

A few days later, riding my bike to work, I was just so incredibly winded. And so incredibly NOT enjoying or energized by the ride. So! Not! Like! Me!

Thankfully (?) we had planned a 2 week trip for that time. When I think back on that now, I still feel horrible. 

We drove to Eastern Washington so I could be in a my friend's wedding, we visited Walla Walla for fun, visited my Mom and the lake near Spokane, we even drove down to Sun River Oregon to be with my other side of family. It was a long road trip we'd looked forward to for months! And I was absolutely miserable the whole time!

Even now my Mom tells me, "Oh yeah, you were grouchy," (GROUCHY Mom?!), and my Step Mom mentioned to me, "I remember how you looked in Sun River. White as a sheet." It's awful trying to do fun things with other people who want to do fun things but all the while all you want to do is sleep, and all you feel like is that you're quickly probably dying, and no one understands. I remember crying to Matthew one night, "I just feel so baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad," ...crying, crying, crying. Trying to just sleep. 

It was hot, too. That wedding I was in! So hot! 

I hadn't expected these symptoms. Yes, I was nauseous. But the exhaustion was what was crippling. It's not just a oh I'm tired wouldn't it be cozy to take a nap? kinda thing. It's a walking from here to that chair a few feet away might do me in kinda thing. A, the idea of taking my clothes off and having a shower sounds completely impossible kinda thing.

And showers! Oh, showers. Smells! Horrible!!! (How many times can I say "Horrible!" about First Trimester? Ohhhhhhh just Watch Me!) HORRIBLE! SHOWERS ARE HORRIBLE! The effort, for one thing, but, the SMELLS, for another thing! Any kind of soap/lotion/air freshener just puts me over the edge during these HORRIBLE weeks. A store where I never noticed a smell before? Oh my pregnancy nose can smell that sneaky air freshener and I must get outta there ASAP! Washing my hair, washing my face, washing dishes, the smell of clean laundry, hell even my SHEETS and my face near them trying to SLEEP was always enough to induce nausea. No! Escape!

With Greta I tried buying unscented shampoo, when I realized how offensive my expensive Aveda was. Oh! But UNscented has a smell too!!! And it's HORRIBLE! My children, this time around, well I couldn't kiss them goodnight after they'd bathed. Or, if I did, I'd have to plug my nose. I'm not kidding. I was already nauseous and I wasn't taking risks to make it worse.

For a brief few days SUPER early on this pregnancy when I was warily hoping, "This First Trimester will be different," (hey! it happens!), I started to develop that stronger sense of smell, before the nausea set in, and I would realize, "Oh THIS soap smells so good! THIS lotion smells so good!" etc etc. Simon was like, "Wow, you really have a new appreciation of life!"

THAT was short lived.

Can I just say one more thing about showers? I had one particularly horrible one this First Trimester. (Don't get me wrong, they were all horrible. And honestly, sometimes I only took them as much as 3 or 4 days apart.) See I'd been trying an antihistamine for my nausea, but then realized it might not be completely approved, so I tried one that WAS but it didn't actually help. So the nausea was hitting HARD. I knew I needed a shower. It'd been days. I stunk. (I always stunk to myself First Trimester. No. Escape.) So I went in there as quickly as my poor body could handle, and plugged my nose the entire time, and repeated aloud, "I CAN do this. I CAN do this," the entire shower. The entire shower!! Until I was out, dried, dressed, and collapsed into bed.

Sounds funny. And I knew one day it might(?) be. But I can assure you: it was not funny. It was HORRIBLE!

Ok. So, showers. Smells. Same each pregnancy.

I'm over them now, for the most part. But my washroom still kind of offends me. 

Therese! Yes! I remember with her going on a trip early on (why? why these trips? oh cause it was always summer when I was in First Trimester with my other 3! bad! idea!). A trip to visit my Dad. I remember feeling just HORRIBLE and going to lay down in the room we stayed in. Hearing all the company downstairs who wanted to see me. And just saying to myself *just have a nap and you'll feel better*. I never ever wanted to get up from that nap. I heard life downstairs but I wanted nothing to do with it. I was dying on the inside, building that placenta I guess.

Hosea! Yes! First Trimester in the summer again! I remember so clearly sitting on the grass at the park, watching the girls play in a sprinkler, everyone around me joyous with the sun. And I kept thinking, "How? How can they be enjoying life right now? I feel like I'm going to implode. How am I ever going to walk the two blocks home??" 

Hosea! Yes! I remember walking downtown during an event for work, looking at everyone smiling and wondering how they could possibly be doing that. I remember putting my students into small groups for a discussion, and then trying to walk from my desk to those groups so I could follow up with them, wondering how I could possibly GET UP OUT OF MY CHAIR and WALK those few steps.

And I remember the eating! With Hosea! The EATING WAS OUT OF CONTROL!

Hard boiled eggs, multiple times a day. In addition to a couple egg salad sandwiches.  For one thing. This was just so I could get through my 5 hour shift at work, plus the 1 hour total bus commute time. (Bus commute? HOW did I do that???? Oh the dirty looks I got with those egg salad sandwiches on the bus! No shame!!) Plus, maybe a turkey sandwich, or some rice and beans to tide me over between one of those egg situations. 

With the girls yeah I guess I was hungry. But I don't remember it so much. So maybe I wasn't. 

With Hosea, I. WAS. HUNGRY! And if I didn't eat, I would be incredibly nauseous. 

With this one, I have probably been even more hungry. Because I don't remember eating all night with Hosea. This one, I've had to eat all night. Up till the last week or so. There were a few weeks when I didn't eat "meals". I ate meal-sized snacks ALL DAY. Not cause, "Oh baby wants to eat. Gee that food sounds good," but cause if I didn't eat I was sure I was going to collapse. Had it been an hour since my last mini-meal? Desperation!!! And when I'd get close to then putting food into my mouth I'd become shaky and panicky in the devouring attack. Followed up with sweet, sweet, sweet relief. For only maybe 30 minutes to an hour. This went on for about 2.5 months. 24 hours a day. Lovely.

What did I want to eat? Protein! With Hosea I had my first hot dog in over 10 years (I WAS a vegetarian!), and there was no turning back after that. This time I've had my fair share of meat. As well as high protein yogurt, eggs, cheese, pistachios. Beans: not such a great idea? Pregnancy digestion is already fraught! Why risk it!

I've been watching myself pack it on. What could I do? A couple weeks ago Simon and I took Hosea to soccer practice. I thought I could go the hour-ish without a snack, plus I figured there'd be concessions nearby, in case. !!The concessions were closed!! I couldn't go an hour-ish. (Ok, I did.) I was eyeing other people's food. Considering asking complete strangers if they happened to have snacks they could share. I was fantasizing about what I wanted to eat, but trying to block it out. I dropped Hosea back at his dad's and saw a banana on the table. I almost just took it. Or asked for it. But I knew by this time we were on our way to a restaurant. It was a Horrible on-our-way-to-a-restaurant-10-more-minutes. (And by restaurant, I mean A&W! I ravaged that meal!)

So, I guess there you have it.

Living queasy for 2.5 months is horrible.

Being offended by most smells is horrible. I wouldn't let Simon near me for awhile! Even my own home smelt ewwwwwww! gross! 

Digestion all out of whack. Horrible. 

Tea. Offensive!!! 

Exhaustion to the bazillionth. I work from home. I had many days where I sat in a chair and just cried. Or I laid on the couch and just cried. *How could I possibly SEND AN EMAIL?* was what I was thinking. I had an evening event planned around 10ish weeks. I figured by that time I might be feeling better. HA!! The day arrived and I lay on the couch, early afternoon, crying, thinking I needed to just use my vacation time now for the next couple of weeks because there was no way I could work anymore. There was no way I could do the event (from my home!! on zoom!!) tonight. I phoned my co-worker, crying (not the first time!) and asked if she might cover for me. I had everything ready, all she had to do was facilitate it. She was going to be there anyway. I felt just HORRIBLE asking her, like some lazy worthless person. It was embarrassing. She was so kind and so gracious, and she offered an idea I hadn't even thought of: she said sure, she'd facilitate it, but why don't I come too and just keep my camera off? That way I could still be involved and say things if I wanted, but I could rest as needed. What a great idea outside the tunnel of my mind!! So, I did it. I listened in with my head down, told everyone I didn't feel well, contributed where I felt called, and everyone understood. I will never forget that.

I will also never forget Simon coming back from work/running errands to get me ALLLLLLLLL the things I'd asked for, and me sitting down at the table to enjoy one of the snacks, and then seeing an ad for root beer in a newspaper he'd brought in. "Ummmm, Love? I need a root beer! Right now!" and he looked at me, so tired, running ragged trying to keep my ragged self the slightest bit content. "Are you sure?!...My baby needs a root beer! OhhhhhhhhkK!" And he went out and brought 3 back. 

I will never forget my kids coming to check on me as I lay in bed at 7pm, many-an-evening, or coming to check on me after I'd ditched out on another movie night. Hosea, especially, bringing me drawings he'd done. I think they knew it'd pass. I realize now how much they know about pregnancy from TV shows they've seen and books they've read! And I kept telling them I'd be better soon. And it's made them even more independent in some ways. 

Greta has said for years that she never wants to have a baby. Adopt, maybe. But not be pregnant. Therese doesn't seem all that phased by it. And Hosea, well he's shared multiple times throughout this: "See that's why I'm glad I'm not a girl"! He wants like 5 kids or something! I think he'll be a good partner for his gal. I think he'll remember all this. How he saw his Mama.

Bringing life to someone else feels like it will nearly kill me. It is pretty much indescribable, (I TRY!); like nothing else. I bent over the kitchen counter the first day I noticed that familiar, "I feel like I'm dying" feeling, at about 8am. Knowing it was going to be here for weeks now. Knowing the light in my eyes was going to dim. Knowing my enjoyment of anything was now going to be blown out for a time. A time that was predictable? But like anything in pregnancy...UNpredictable too. How long would it last?

I cried at the worst moments of it, thinking about What if I feel like this forever? I sat and googled other women's experiences. Cried more, knowing how bad it was going to be. How there was always a chance I'd feel like this all 9 months. Even with all the help, and an actual human Growing Inside Me, I never feel more alone in my life than during a First Trimester. I felt like Death, I felt like I was Dying, and some days--I know it might sound scary, and yes it felt scary too--I felt like I just Wanted To Die. Those were the worst moments. 

Feeling like you have the severe motion sickness for weeks, like you have a 105 degree fever for weeks, and watching as your body is just taken over, well that's scary. 

And amazing too. 

I kept laying around at night thinking about writing this. Waiting for when I was really out of it to do so. I've been so exhausted, and for many weeks couldn't sleep well either. Everywhere says to Take Naps during First Trimester. Well, I could never nap. There were weeks when, at night, I'd get up to pee every.single.hour for the first 5 hours, then maybe every 2 hours after that (and yes I'd be in bed 10-12 hours thank you very much). I'd have insomnia. Laying there shivering with pregnancy fake-fever, trying to be comfortable. Trying to sleep. Nauseous. Sleeping for short bits And Feeling Nauseous In My Dreams. I'd try not to drink anything a couple hours prior to going to bed. But the PEE! Where was it coming from??!! All Night! Eventually I realized that white noise helped the insomnia. And found perfection turning on rain sounds. All. Night.

The last couple nights guess what? I don't need the rain sounds! I only got up 3 times to pee last night! Not 7 or 8!

I'm out of it now. 

I'M

OUT

OF 

THE 

FIRST

TRIMESTER!

I survived. 

It ends.

This too shall pass.

But never fast enough.

It.

Was.

Horrible. 

...............................................................................

On the other side of it, though, now I talk to baby. 

I'm waiting for those kicks that we can all feel from the outside.

I'm thinking about holding baby. Smelling baby. Feeling that softness.

Watching that baby grow.

Savouring all the joyful moments that I will experience with all those who I love the most.

Now I think I can ride my bike again, maybe jog (I tried bike riding and jogging sometimes during the Hell on Earth but it just made me feel worse, that is...WHEN I could actually drag myself to do it...which was rare).

Now I drink tea and Wake Up.

Now I smile more, and laugh, and enjoy things. 

Now I shower more than twice a week.

Now I remember (& know!) why life can be so great.

Baby, get here safely, so you can know too.