ADDICTION
It's in all caps cause it's a loaded word. Isn't it?
You don't want to see it, it's kind of ugly, harsh, terrifying, you want to run from it
...or...maybe you want to run TO it? Because it feels safe. Safer, more predictable, than an unpredictable world.
I'm going to be writing about a very loaded and heavy and sensitive subject tonight. I'm taking a risk in doing that, but the ideas for my posts pop in naturally. I don't have to force to find something. Sometimes more than one idea pops at once, but I always know which to go with. And tonight it's ADDICTION.
When I was 16 I had my first real boyfriend. I *think* I fell in love, all that, I mean honestly maybe the love part wasn't really there, but to my 16 year old self it was. So I count it. Plus the relationship went on for the better part of a year, and was as serious as you can be when you're just 16. This was nearly 24 years ago, and, of course, it ended in heartbreak. That's a whole other story...but I probably shouldn't share that on here! The point, though, is at that age, 24 years ago, in that first intimate relationship, I'd already chosen to be with someone with an ADDICTION. Albeit it was only to pot, (and I know some would argue that's something you can't get addicted to...) but at that time, and at that age, that was already pretty intense. Especially for the inexperienced 16 year old that I was! A few months into the relationship I remember becoming concerned about my boyfriend's pot smoking, and at one point we devised some kind of highlighting system on the calendar to mark all the days he used it. He was keen on stopping, because he knew how much it was already affecting him.
Our calendar records showed he smoked it multiple times, pretty much every day, for months.
I can still visualize all the yellow highlighter on that calendar.
I've never kept in touch with him at all, and I've never had high hopes that he's recovered, in fact I'd be shocked if he didn't stop with just that substance. I might sound cynical, but I'm experienced.
In fact, if I count up all of the intimate relationships I've had that got serious, there are only one or two--of the six--that have not been harshly shaken by ADDICTION. That's 70% right there. And I'm not exaggerating.
I was talking to someone about this today, as I've talked to people about this for years, this 70% thing (only, I just got the number for it now!) and often people will tell me, "Well, it's cause you're such a nice person. That's why you gravitate toward others with an ADDICTION, and that's why they gravitate towards you."
Hmmm I'm nice, but I'm not THAT nice. And is that all it takes? A "nice" person?" I know plenty of nice people who are also smart enough to stay the hell away from ADDICTION!
And ok, so no one ever said I was "smart" in this context...
Maybe not-so-smart, maybe blind............maybe...despite my cynicism...hopeful?
I'm not saying anything explicit about ANY of my situations, save for when I was 16, so you can read into the rest, make some guesses, wonder, or simply take this all for what it is: trying to mull over ADDICTION and why it finds its way in some people's lives more than others.
It's true that a person with an ADDICTION (ooooh that "addict", that "alcoholic"...those nasty labels) is usually found to have that perfect concoction of genetic inheritance and environmental conditions that stir that ADDICTION stew. Stir it up, till it simmers and boils over and splatters over everything and anyone who happens to be too close. Making a huge mess, possibly burning someone, and then it can be wiped away. Over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.
Sometimes people will say to me, "Well, I don't get it! If they don't want to use anymore, why don't they just stop? If they see how it's hurting others, why don't they just stop? If they are given an ultimatum, then surely they will stop!" But, ADDICTION doesn't work like that.
ADDICTION chokes, lies, it twists the brain, it permanently alters it, it woos back its victim, it entices with "one last time"s and "you deserve it" and who knows what other kind of evil lurking.
I don't know completely, because I've never had an ADDICTION. But I've seen it plenty.
Sure, we can say in some ways we're all addicted to things like sugar, caffeine, plastic, exercise, junk food, smart phones...and in some people those addictions can turn to ADDICTION, but for the most part most of us do not fall to ADDICTION.
Many do, though.
If you know someone with an ADDICTION, please know it is not a place they want to be. Their actions may show the opposite, but that is the ADDICTION talking. Because ADDICTION hijacks their humanity. It makes them do things they'd never have done. It makes them lie, it makes them steal, it makes them cheat, it makes them make promises they know they are not going to keep, it makes them hurt themselves and others who they love, it makes them destroy themselves and their relationships.
I would never want to have an ADDICTION.
The more I see people with them, and the more I'm hurt by ADDICTION, the more I (selfishly?) think to myself, "Well, thank God it's not me. Thank God at least I'm on the other side of this."
That is not to say that it's easy to be on the other side. For one thing, it's nearly impossible not to take it personally. And it tears at the soul to watch someone you love with an ADDICTION. To watch them destroy themselves physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, permanently (in many cases). It can be pure agony to want so desperately to be able to FIX IT, to STOP IT, to MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But another person can't do that. Another person is, for the most part, powerless. And it can mess with the sanity, just like an ADDICTION can mess with the sanity.
Why am I sharing this?
...so many reasons.
Tonight it's for catharsis.
Tonight it's for getting some of its hold off of me.
Tonight it's for the people with ADDICTION. So that some of us out there can, in our own big or little ways, have more empathy for them, more understanding.
And maybe some of us out there have an ADDICTION. Maybe this will speak to you too. I am reaching out a hand...as long as you don't grab onto mine and mine alone too hard (!) I will keep my hand out there.
Because just like ADDICTION can destroy or kill the one it inhabits, the one who watches the inhabited at such a close range can also be destroyed.
What can be done, though? We know there are some who are more susceptible to ADDICTION, and it seems there are some--like me--who are more susceptible to being on the other side of it. Watching its grip. Powerless to stop it, but taken by it anyway. What can be done? Is a person with an ADDICTION not entitled to the same kind of love, companionship, family, chances that anyone else has? Just as we make accommodations for people with special needs, so they can live their fullest life like anyone else, shouldn't we do this for people with ADDICTIONS? Some people are put on this earth to share their gift of working with those with special needs, for one example. Maybe some people are put on this earth to be "nice" to those with ADDICTIONS. To walk alongside them, to try and understand them, to help them and give them chances, to take that risk of putting that hand out there.
Even if for a finite, or short time.
Because there are others of us who can pick up the slack.
And someone with an ADDICTION needs that.
Sure, a person with an ADDICTION still has some free will. Some ways in which they can take responsibility for themselves. Make healthier choices. But I often wonder, how much free will do any of us really have? With these 70% stats?!!
Chin up, though, head high, one day at a time.
We've got enough free will to do all that, I suppose.
At least I hope so.
And even with the 70% stats, even with the cynical thoughts that the 16 year old with the ADDICTION still has the ADDICTION, in fact quite possibly a worse ADDICTION, well there's always hope somewhere.
Because some people beat it.
And some people walk alongside them while they do.
Just maybe the trick is, don't get toooooooooooooo close ;-)
You don't want to see it, it's kind of ugly, harsh, terrifying, you want to run from it
...or...maybe you want to run TO it? Because it feels safe. Safer, more predictable, than an unpredictable world.
I'm going to be writing about a very loaded and heavy and sensitive subject tonight. I'm taking a risk in doing that, but the ideas for my posts pop in naturally. I don't have to force to find something. Sometimes more than one idea pops at once, but I always know which to go with. And tonight it's ADDICTION.
When I was 16 I had my first real boyfriend. I *think* I fell in love, all that, I mean honestly maybe the love part wasn't really there, but to my 16 year old self it was. So I count it. Plus the relationship went on for the better part of a year, and was as serious as you can be when you're just 16. This was nearly 24 years ago, and, of course, it ended in heartbreak. That's a whole other story...but I probably shouldn't share that on here! The point, though, is at that age, 24 years ago, in that first intimate relationship, I'd already chosen to be with someone with an ADDICTION. Albeit it was only to pot, (and I know some would argue that's something you can't get addicted to...) but at that time, and at that age, that was already pretty intense. Especially for the inexperienced 16 year old that I was! A few months into the relationship I remember becoming concerned about my boyfriend's pot smoking, and at one point we devised some kind of highlighting system on the calendar to mark all the days he used it. He was keen on stopping, because he knew how much it was already affecting him.
Our calendar records showed he smoked it multiple times, pretty much every day, for months.
I can still visualize all the yellow highlighter on that calendar.
I've never kept in touch with him at all, and I've never had high hopes that he's recovered, in fact I'd be shocked if he didn't stop with just that substance. I might sound cynical, but I'm experienced.
In fact, if I count up all of the intimate relationships I've had that got serious, there are only one or two--of the six--that have not been harshly shaken by ADDICTION. That's 70% right there. And I'm not exaggerating.
I was talking to someone about this today, as I've talked to people about this for years, this 70% thing (only, I just got the number for it now!) and often people will tell me, "Well, it's cause you're such a nice person. That's why you gravitate toward others with an ADDICTION, and that's why they gravitate towards you."
Hmmm I'm nice, but I'm not THAT nice. And is that all it takes? A "nice" person?" I know plenty of nice people who are also smart enough to stay the hell away from ADDICTION!
And ok, so no one ever said I was "smart" in this context...
Maybe not-so-smart, maybe blind............maybe...despite my cynicism...hopeful?
I'm not saying anything explicit about ANY of my situations, save for when I was 16, so you can read into the rest, make some guesses, wonder, or simply take this all for what it is: trying to mull over ADDICTION and why it finds its way in some people's lives more than others.
It's true that a person with an ADDICTION (ooooh that "addict", that "alcoholic"...those nasty labels) is usually found to have that perfect concoction of genetic inheritance and environmental conditions that stir that ADDICTION stew. Stir it up, till it simmers and boils over and splatters over everything and anyone who happens to be too close. Making a huge mess, possibly burning someone, and then it can be wiped away. Over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.
Sometimes people will say to me, "Well, I don't get it! If they don't want to use anymore, why don't they just stop? If they see how it's hurting others, why don't they just stop? If they are given an ultimatum, then surely they will stop!" But, ADDICTION doesn't work like that.
ADDICTION chokes, lies, it twists the brain, it permanently alters it, it woos back its victim, it entices with "one last time"s and "you deserve it" and who knows what other kind of evil lurking.
I don't know completely, because I've never had an ADDICTION. But I've seen it plenty.
Sure, we can say in some ways we're all addicted to things like sugar, caffeine, plastic, exercise, junk food, smart phones...and in some people those addictions can turn to ADDICTION, but for the most part most of us do not fall to ADDICTION.
Many do, though.
If you know someone with an ADDICTION, please know it is not a place they want to be. Their actions may show the opposite, but that is the ADDICTION talking. Because ADDICTION hijacks their humanity. It makes them do things they'd never have done. It makes them lie, it makes them steal, it makes them cheat, it makes them make promises they know they are not going to keep, it makes them hurt themselves and others who they love, it makes them destroy themselves and their relationships.
I would never want to have an ADDICTION.
The more I see people with them, and the more I'm hurt by ADDICTION, the more I (selfishly?) think to myself, "Well, thank God it's not me. Thank God at least I'm on the other side of this."
That is not to say that it's easy to be on the other side. For one thing, it's nearly impossible not to take it personally. And it tears at the soul to watch someone you love with an ADDICTION. To watch them destroy themselves physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, permanently (in many cases). It can be pure agony to want so desperately to be able to FIX IT, to STOP IT, to MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But another person can't do that. Another person is, for the most part, powerless. And it can mess with the sanity, just like an ADDICTION can mess with the sanity.
Why am I sharing this?
...so many reasons.
Tonight it's for catharsis.
Tonight it's for getting some of its hold off of me.
Tonight it's for the people with ADDICTION. So that some of us out there can, in our own big or little ways, have more empathy for them, more understanding.
And maybe some of us out there have an ADDICTION. Maybe this will speak to you too. I am reaching out a hand...as long as you don't grab onto mine and mine alone too hard (!) I will keep my hand out there.
Because just like ADDICTION can destroy or kill the one it inhabits, the one who watches the inhabited at such a close range can also be destroyed.
What can be done, though? We know there are some who are more susceptible to ADDICTION, and it seems there are some--like me--who are more susceptible to being on the other side of it. Watching its grip. Powerless to stop it, but taken by it anyway. What can be done? Is a person with an ADDICTION not entitled to the same kind of love, companionship, family, chances that anyone else has? Just as we make accommodations for people with special needs, so they can live their fullest life like anyone else, shouldn't we do this for people with ADDICTIONS? Some people are put on this earth to share their gift of working with those with special needs, for one example. Maybe some people are put on this earth to be "nice" to those with ADDICTIONS. To walk alongside them, to try and understand them, to help them and give them chances, to take that risk of putting that hand out there.
Even if for a finite, or short time.
Because there are others of us who can pick up the slack.
And someone with an ADDICTION needs that.
Sure, a person with an ADDICTION still has some free will. Some ways in which they can take responsibility for themselves. Make healthier choices. But I often wonder, how much free will do any of us really have? With these 70% stats?!!
Chin up, though, head high, one day at a time.
We've got enough free will to do all that, I suppose.
At least I hope so.
And even with the 70% stats, even with the cynical thoughts that the 16 year old with the ADDICTION still has the ADDICTION, in fact quite possibly a worse ADDICTION, well there's always hope somewhere.
Because some people beat it.
And some people walk alongside them while they do.
Just maybe the trick is, don't get toooooooooooooo close ;-)
Loved your blog. So true !! So insightful . Hope some news outlet picks this up . Wish many others would have these insights .
ReplyDeleteAhh thanks Linda. Maybe I should send it somewhere? I don't know how all that works! But I'm glad people are reading it at least from facebook. Looks like about 43 people at this point :-)
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