What I Miss About Dating

It's not like I did it for that long. But I was pretty prolific. Efficient. 

Every so often, since I've been with Simon, I'll have a dream where I'm single again. For whatever reason. And I'll be back thinking oh no I "have to" date again. And it's mostly an icky, empty, scary feeling. Sometimes it sits with me even after I wake up, you know how dreams do that. And for a few time-is-weird-seconds(?) I'll still think it's real. And then the gift of realizing it isn't sinks in.

Phew!, of course. Cause dating can be (mostly) awful. 

But, there are things that happen in it, little windows, that help redeem it. Little pleasant years later memories. "Oh, that wasn't sooooooooo bad" kind of thoughts. Like today, when I was thinking of these little windows I remembered about people. 

Mostly there's this guy who came to my mind today, and for the LIFE of me I CANNOT remember his name! Not that I'd put it here. But, it was one of those names that's a word that's not usually used as a name. And I think that's why it bothers me so much that I can't remember it. I think we got together 2 or 3 times, and then called it a day. Which was fine. Cause shortly after that I met Simon. So, it's almost like I feel grateful for that what's-his-name guy, like he was such a short stepping stone away from the something true and real and good that I was looking for. 

When you're dating, you can get these more frequent real-life moments of getting-to-know you than you sometimes do otherwise. The other person gifts you with things, stories, memories, pain, this-is-special to me's. Cause in dating we're looking so hard for that connection. We try to force it on other people. See if it fits them, or if it scares them.

I think a lot of us--dating aside--look hard for that kind of connection virtually, thanks to these days. So, you know globalization and all that? Well, it's almost like these frequent-new moments of connection--like the kind I would get in dating--well they are globalized to such an extent now on social media, as a substitute for that real thing, and we just eat them up! Oh that favourite album of that person I don't even know, oh that little peak into that life of a person I met once a long time ago, oh that poetry of a co-worker I've only vaguely talked with, oh that "this is how I see things" photo he posts from a continent completely across the world from me, oh that glimpse into a creative project some familiar-seeming stranger shared. The authenticity is commodified, globalized. It's a little too efficient.

Oh! And those people who post funny aspects about their marriage--ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS ON VIDEO--blasted to anyone in the world who wants to have a look! Such intimacy globalization. 

Economically speaking, globalization has its benefits. And we all know it has its drawbacks too. Same goes for this globalization of connection. These global windows into people's lives--people I don't know--they DO help others, entertain others, give others that sense of feeling known. I do it too; post the things! And I often struggle with how much do I share / how much do I not share? The sharing is a release, it's a reaching to connect, a creative expression, an "ohhh maybe this will actually help someone" thought.

This isn't a post about oh no the dangers of technology! But these are realities that we live with. The personal is political. Globalization's hold on us permeates into the very personal, most intimate aspects of our desires as humans.

So anyway, 

focus! What I miss about dating!......

That guy who I still can't remember his name. I don't miss him or anything like that.

And, well, I still can't remember his name, but I remember his windows. The windows he opened to me. You know, you date someone and you go to their house. You share a meal. You see their THINGS. Like the little world he was building that was going with the little world he was creating in this book he was writing. His hammock, his plants, his good food, his stories about his parents and some of the loneliness pangs he remembered from childhood that he clearly still carried with him. The colours he lived with, the places he'd practice his skateboard. A successful movie guy, with a crazy schedule, and lots of money (and if you live near me hey know that there are many single movie business guys...maybe permanently in the dating pool? the movie industry is not conducive to anything more than dating? so I hear...!). The windows people opened. Just for me, in those moments. Just us there. Connecting one on one. Not in a phone swipe.

Not global. Not virtual. Real glimpses. For the fun of it. The alive of it.

I could go on, give more examples. You know, when you go into someone's place and you get this vibe, this energy of what they give off? All these little capsules, in something like dating. The moments so new! Like a short story! Especially if you are prolific and efficient, like I was. That putting them into a story in your head, and, maybe, that ending pre-maturely is what makes it so intriguing! 2 or 3 dates and then that's it. I love those kind of abrupt weird ambiguous endings. They can be frustrating, but their openness is so much more fun. A peak in, and the rest is for me to just reflect on and wonder about--randomly on a bike ride (like today), if I so desire.

Like I said, I could go on, give more examples...

...also of the what I DON'T miss about dating variety. Cause, yeah, sometimes the windows aren't all that pleasant! (And those aren't the kind we usually globalize!) Sometimes some windows should be looked at as Warning Signs! The super messy even though I'm having someone over(?) warning sign. The oh my ex still keeps a lot of her stuff here(?) warning sign. The pictures of family and progressive women's studies degree plaques on the fridge accompanied by misogynistic manipulative behaviour (?) warning signs. Ha!(?)

.........

Reminds me. The other day I got a random message from someone that said, 

"Hey, how's it going? You still mad at me?" 

???

I wanted to simply reply, 

"Yes!" (Likely?) But I ended up just erasing and blocking it out. Some aspects of the past are better left mysterious. Open. Like a good short story.

Maybe...it was the what's-his-name guy? No...his windows don't match up to that kind of follow up. 

!!!!!!Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Remembered his name!!! Just. This. Second. (And I am NOT making that up.) 

And. How. Symbolic. Let's just say his name is a synonym for see-through. Like a window.

I knew there's a reason I had to write this today. 

Ok. 

Everyone--dating aside--maybe find a window today. And not the global kind.