Saving Face

I think we can connect this topic to COVID too. But I'll leave it at that.

So, 
in recent news...yet again...another shocker. Only, none of us are really that shocked.

Is it THAT important to stand your ground? Save face? Show who's "boss"?

How many times in history has a person's hunger for power and control--motivated by fear and insecurity--led to the types of horror we were reminded of the other day?

**This thing from the other day(s!!!) is undeniably a race problem. This thing from the other day(s!!!) is undeniably an American problem. 
When is the country going to WAKE UP TO ITS PROBLEMS AND ACTUALLY DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SOMETHING RADICAL AND HELPFUL AND DEEP ABOUT THEM?**

But also, this, what I'm writing about--Saving Face--
this isn't only a race problem, this isn't only an American problem.

If you are a parent I'm sure you've gotten caught in the trap of power. Grasping for it as it sneakily snuck out of your fingers. I know I have. I want to show that kid who's boss! "Why?", "Because I SAID so!"
Yeah, that phrase has slipped out on occasion. 
The heated moments of heart racing, maybe others watching, trying to PROVE to yourself and your child and your audience that indeed you ARE the powerful! You ARE the "I SAID so!" You will NOT let THIS s  l    i    i    i      d     e.

What about in other relationships? When they're in conflict? 
Conflict is like change...and life IS change. 
How much to save face and not back down? What are the costs of "being right", of "winning"?
There are usually many costs. 
Cause after. Probably after there's that regret. That hmmm next time I should really try to calm down a bit. Communicate better. Listen better. Think more clearly. Understand. Keep myself in check. Probably after there's that gratefulness that a line wasn't crossed that couldn't be un-crossed. Whatever that line is you get too close to.

There are usually many costs to saving face. Avoidable and unnecessary costs.

Because, you know, in both those situations--with kids and others, conflict is usually not all that clear-cut. 
The kid's got a point. The kid's got feelings. The kid's got rights. The kid's got ideas. The kid's got a point of view. The kid's got a perspective.
The other "other", too. The other has all that stuff.

But sometimes we slide/push/force/choke-hold that "other" into that position, where we've got all the power, and we keep forcing it and forcing it and forcing it and we stamp out all else. The costs of "being right", of "winning".

Now I'm not saying anything about the specifics of that conflict between that officer and that gentleman. But I do see some familiar human dynamics at play there. Even with racism and police brutality aside. 
**Even if racism and police brutality must!!! be where we start.**

Something to think about, though. Saving Face.

The opposite reminds me of a podcast I listened to today. The podcast hosts read some comments made by some reviewers, comments that weren't all rainbows and roses. Comments that probably felt like a sucker punch to the gut when first encountered by those hosts. But those hosts confronted the comments. Were courageous in looking those comments in the face, accepting where possible, debating where necessary. Refuting tactfully. 
That's ok! Great, even! And I felt a huge admiration for them as I listened! 
Because that took bravery, confidence, humility, respect--and more--to do what they did. They could've ignored the comments. Or worse, attacked their source. Bulldozed harshly over them. Forced them into a choke-hold. Held their stance to save face.

I know it's not the same thing. But it's representative of something that's often missing from our adventures as humans: living out the realization that it's ok to be wrong, it's ok to back down, it's ok to admit a weakness. Start with the self, practice with other people, and be ready when on whatever stage lets us on. Live out the realization.

**Hey homeland. I'm talking to you too.**

**A life was lost, in large part, because a racist person in a racist system in a racist country 
ALSO had a fixation on saving face.
See all of the above? LiveS have been lost because of this.**

**If life is conflict, and life is change, where is that change, America?
Where? Cause you're so disgustingly late, America. 
And there's not enough saving face in the universe to hide that.**

...................................
But here
as individuals...that's the only place we really have the control to change.
So let this serve as a powerful reminder of the dangers of Saving Face. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Pandemic Of The People

I have been accused of "mocking" covid deaths. I have been accused of being "ok with killing grandma". I have been accused of being a negligent parent whose child may not survive his fifth birthday. Those are hateful and hurtful and untrue things to say. I am writing here to shed a humane light on people like me. To defend myself, and to defend others like me. Maybe some don't think that's necessary--that I'm being too sensitive or blowing this out of proportion. Maybe some who used to like me now hate me? Maybe some think I've gone nuts. Maybe some are curious, and open, and want to listen. And, I know some of you are just like me. I hope whoever you are, that you stay here. And hear me out. Find comfort in what I write, or find some sense of understanding. We can agree, and we can disagree. Either is ok with me. But it's not ok with me to be accused of the above.  ----------------------------------------------------------- How'd we all get ...
Read more

ADDICTION

It's in all caps cause it's a loaded word. Isn't it? You don't want to see it, it's kind of ugly, harsh, terrifying, you want to run from it ...or...maybe you want to run TO it? Because it feels safe. Safer, more predictable, than an unpredictable world. I'm going to be writing about a very loaded and heavy and sensitive subject tonight. I'm taking a risk in doing that, but the ideas for my posts pop in naturally. I don't have to force to find something. Sometimes more than one idea pops at once, but I always know which to go with. And tonight it's ADDICTION. When I was 16 I had my first real boyfriend. I *think* I fell in love, all that, I mean honestly maybe the love part wasn't really there, but to my 16 year old self it was. So I count it. Plus the relationship went on for the better part of a year, and was as serious as you can be when you're just 16. This was nearly 24 years ago, and, of course, it ended in heartbreak. That's ...
Read more

Five Years Later

I'm here again, taking a break from licking the cupcake batter on the eve of Hosea's 5th birthday. I know I know, you shouldn't eat cake batter that has eggs in it. I take chances sometimes. Usually things work out. It's common to feel nostalgic on birthdays isn't it? Some people, more than others, feel this way. I know today when Hosea was saying to me, "Mama, you 39, next you gonna be 40" and I was saying, "Yes, let's not speak of it" well, the whole birthday thing was getting to me. And I have many more months to go! For a kid, though, having a birthday doesn't usually have that kind of baggage yet. Tomorrow Hosea can no longer tell people, "I'm 4 and a half, almost 5" when they ask him how old he is. He can simply say, "I'm 5"! (We'll see, he might have to start adding days to that, given his whole obsession with numbers happening right now!). Of course, a parent is gonna feel that nostalgia when t...
Read more