Identity
I was going to have this post be all about jobs. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew what I'm really thinking about is: Identity.
And Identity is much more than the job you do.
Working as a college instructor I used to teach this Communications class. The textbook we used has a whole chapter on how the way we communicate effects our identity and how the way we communicate is affected by our identity. There's a little exercise in there where you're to think about yourself, your identity, your self concept--whatever. And write down the roles you play or the words that come to mind when you're describing yourself. Words like: father, son, teacher, wife, stay-at-home parent, real estate agent, singer, funny, smart, good looking, healthy...you get the idea? Write down maybe 10 things.
Then, rank those things. Which ones are most important to you? If you had to rank them, how would the order go?
Then. Then take away one of them. Take away that top one; imagine you no longer are that thing. You're no longer that father, that funny person, your health is gone, your job as a real estate agent's over.
How does it feel?
Well...how does it feel?
Does that imaginary feeling feel a lot like your real life feelings right now?
Do you get what I'm getting at?
Now I know. I know there are some of us out here who say, "Hmmm my life really hasn't changed all that much due to COVID. I've still got my job. I still pretty much do the same stuff. Maybe I don't go out as much, don't see people as much. But my routine is generally the same as it was pre-COVID."
If that's you, well ok. (I think you still might get something out of this post.)
If that's you, well I challenge you to think about how your life HAS ACTUALLY changed. Cause I'm sure it probably has, somehow. I'm not asking you to wallow in it! Just maybe take note. And maybe that's all you're gonna get out of this post.
Or, maybe you can pull out another time in your life where this post would've been applicable.
Or, maybe you can use this post as a guide to help you empathize with other loved ones around you who's identities have been surely shaken by this COVID crisis.
Cause anyway, that's what this post is about. Identity. During COVID. But kinda just moreso Identity.
I'll start. Hey over the years I've done that Identity take away thing exercise so many times as an instructor! And I've been fascinated by how about every 8 months (which is how often I had to teach that course) the little slips of paper I'd saved from the LAST time--about my Idenity--had changed. Sometimes just ever so slightly. Sometimes hugely.
When I was more a sweet YOUNG mother! Ha! I identified as a "mother" first and foremost. A "wife" too, maybe. As time went on, though, "mother" was still on those papers, but not a top ranking part of my Identity. (That doesn't mean I can't be a good one though! Or does it? Hey maybe a whole other blog post!) Other things started showing up on those papers as time went on. Things like, "writer" or "cyclist", or personality characteristics.
I can't remember all of it. I'm not THAT in touch with myself!
But, you get the idea? If we were to draw out some kind of shape shifting map of the parts of our identities--over time--the size of certain parts would shape shift. "Mother" would be HUGE for awhile on mine, then gradually it'd get smaller as something else came more to the forefront of my attention. Or, maybe as "Mother" became easier? Or just hung around longer? Or?
That part, I don't know.
But do you see it? Do you see the parts of your Identity shape shifting as time goes on?
How would a drawing of this--your Identity Map--how would an Identity Map from your 20s look different than one in your 40s? Or whatever?
Now, maybe we just call our selves some of those things in our Identities cause we WISH we were those things? Or we are WORKING TOWARD those things? No one can really know but ourselves. It's kind of subjective when we make those lists, those maps.
Also, there is an evaluative aspect to the whole process. Maybe that one word or role I use to describe myself is something I'm really proud of! Or maybe it's something I'm self conscious about, or wish wasn't, or--even worse idea for someone like me--it's something I think I am, but! But! What if other people question it? Other people DON'T think I'm that? And it's something I value?
I digress.
Kind of.
But wouldn't it too be interesting to 1) not only make this list for yourself and do the whole "take one away and see how you feel" thing AND 2) ask someone close to you to make a list for you? see how they match up or don't? I'VE never done THAT.
Too bad I'm not a college instructor anymore! Cause that's a great idea for in my class.
Anyway, back to right now. Right now many of us are struggling with our identities, I'm guessing.
I'm guessing it cause I AM.
And I only just realized it the other day.
All this inner turmoil! Sense of loss! Perceived loss of purpose! Swirling wishy-washy what am I doing with my life where am I going who am I what am I doing what am I doing what am I DOING? Yeah, lots of that.
You know how sometimes we have this great fear of DEATH that smacks us in the face with reminders of its existence?
Well I'm not really having that right now. I'm just having this crisis of LIFE. (I suppose the two crises are intertwined. But again. I digress!)
And I think I'm having this crisis of life cause my identity is doing that shape shifting thing. And sure sometimes that kind of change can be exciting in its level of challenge and maybe-newness, but...for me right now it just feels really unpleasant. Kind of meh/painful/stressful/unsure.
So it helped the other day when I realized why I was feeling such a way.
How about you?
COVID came and I quickly lost my job.
Sure it's a "temporary" lay off, but you know how those things can go. Lots of uncertainty there.
In the end, it's turned out to probably be the best thing, though. Cause I don't know how I would've kept up teaching in real time 5 hours a day while my 3 children are home needing me for something pretty much on average every 3 minutes.
I like to think that no matter the challenge in life, I can arise and MEET it! Cause I CAN.
But IDEAL? No, it wouldn't have been IDEAL. It wouldn't have even been alright. It would've been AWFUL.
I can arise to meet the challenge of awful. But it's never ideal.
So I lost that job I'd been doing for 8 years (minus 1 year on a mat leave but plus 1 year same kinda job at a different location...soooooooo 8 years). And that's been slowly sinking in as I knew it would. I would like to write about that job more specifically another time. When more choices have been made and more uncertainty in that part of my identity has been sorted. But for now, suffice it to say that losing that job I've had to shape shift my Identity Map.
To what? To what to what to what to what to what?
That has been the question. Nagging at me.
Only I didn't really realize it till just the other day. As I mentioned.
I still do other things I enjoy, that I would put in some type of succinct wording onto my Identity Map for right-now-me at 40 years old. Things like ohhhh I like to write so maybe I'm a writer? (But AM I? There's that voice of second guessing.) Maybe I'm a singer or entertainer or some such thing? (But AM I?) Maybe I'm sensitive? Funny? Quirky, Creative, Girlfriend, Karaoke-er, Put Together-er of Outfits I Love, Teacher, Mother...and ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ADD HOME-SCHOOLER, STAY-AT-HOME-PARENT.
In fact, add those, make Mother into MOTHER, make the font of the rest of those words much smaller, maybe delete some of them actually. And there you have it.
My turmoil.
Anyone else?
This is one of the reasons we're struggling right now. Our Identities are having to adjust, shape shift. For some of us really really really drastically. And we don't know when it will end. And we don't know how many other ways we'll have to shape shift those Identities of ours in a very short period of time.
Collectively, even. But that's a whole other blog post.
Anyway, I write this to sort it out for myself.
The other day, in my turmoil, wandering the home aimlessly looking for another dish to do or thing to tidy or chore to catch up on or bill to pay or conflict to sort out or home-school meeting time to write on my calendar, well I was just feeling so SLUMP-y. You know the feeling? Like, what's the point? All of this is sooooooooo mundane in a totally new way that I'm really not that jazzed about!
WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?!!!!!!!!
And of course, someone else's eyes could clearly see it. So maybe ask someone else, if you've been struggling like me. Ask someone else that question. WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?!!!!!!!!
"Well, you're a MOTHER!" My Man told me. Not in a final kind of that's ALL you are way, just a way that, you know, kind of figuratively slapped me in the face.
Now, we all know that there are roles we play that we evaluate based on society's standards! Ok! We all do it! Being a MOTHER is a role society LOVES, but doesn't really walk-the-walk about. When I had first gotten my Masters of Education and then moved to Canada and had to be a NANNY(!) cause my credentials didn't immediately transfer, well I was acutely aware of this. I have to admit that I'm the type who does look for status and prestige in a job title. And Nanny was NOT how I wanted to introduce myself to people. (This has NOTHING TO DO with how important Nannies are! Just, has to do with my self consciousness in trying to conform to society's standards. I get older, I care less, but I still care.)
I mention all this, cause, well it's relevant to our Identity Maps. And the self esteem or evaluations related to those maps.
I asked My Man recently something else, besides WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?!!!!!!!!--something like, "Hey if I worked as a such-and-such would you still respect me?"...the such-and-such thing was a thing I internally completely respect, but maybe society gives the short end of the stick to...and without delay he said, "Of COURSE I would! I don't care what kind of job you do, as long as you enjoy it and it works for you!"
See that's something partners/other people are good for--pointing our your own ridiculous thinking. Making you take a step BACK from yourself.
Helping you see your Identity more clearly.
So anyway, if you're feeling in a funk right now, obviously you surely already know you're not alone. But maybe now you're able to put your finger on a part of WHY the funk(?) now. Our Identities are shape shifting! It's kind of an icky uncomfortable troubling feeling. Maybe draw it out! Identify your identities! Make peace with them. Make the most of them. Use them for good.
Who knows what's around the corner. Our Identities might need to shape shift again, and soon. Or we might be stuck like this for awhile.
Either way, all of this/all of us are in constant construction.
And...in most places even during COVID, construction didn't even take a temporary lay off.
And Identity is much more than the job you do.
Working as a college instructor I used to teach this Communications class. The textbook we used has a whole chapter on how the way we communicate effects our identity and how the way we communicate is affected by our identity. There's a little exercise in there where you're to think about yourself, your identity, your self concept--whatever. And write down the roles you play or the words that come to mind when you're describing yourself. Words like: father, son, teacher, wife, stay-at-home parent, real estate agent, singer, funny, smart, good looking, healthy...you get the idea? Write down maybe 10 things.
Then, rank those things. Which ones are most important to you? If you had to rank them, how would the order go?
Then. Then take away one of them. Take away that top one; imagine you no longer are that thing. You're no longer that father, that funny person, your health is gone, your job as a real estate agent's over.
How does it feel?
Well...how does it feel?
Does that imaginary feeling feel a lot like your real life feelings right now?
Do you get what I'm getting at?
Now I know. I know there are some of us out here who say, "Hmmm my life really hasn't changed all that much due to COVID. I've still got my job. I still pretty much do the same stuff. Maybe I don't go out as much, don't see people as much. But my routine is generally the same as it was pre-COVID."
If that's you, well ok. (I think you still might get something out of this post.)
If that's you, well I challenge you to think about how your life HAS ACTUALLY changed. Cause I'm sure it probably has, somehow. I'm not asking you to wallow in it! Just maybe take note. And maybe that's all you're gonna get out of this post.
Or, maybe you can pull out another time in your life where this post would've been applicable.
Or, maybe you can use this post as a guide to help you empathize with other loved ones around you who's identities have been surely shaken by this COVID crisis.
Cause anyway, that's what this post is about. Identity. During COVID. But kinda just moreso Identity.
I'll start. Hey over the years I've done that Identity take away thing exercise so many times as an instructor! And I've been fascinated by how about every 8 months (which is how often I had to teach that course) the little slips of paper I'd saved from the LAST time--about my Idenity--had changed. Sometimes just ever so slightly. Sometimes hugely.
When I was more a sweet YOUNG mother! Ha! I identified as a "mother" first and foremost. A "wife" too, maybe. As time went on, though, "mother" was still on those papers, but not a top ranking part of my Identity. (That doesn't mean I can't be a good one though! Or does it? Hey maybe a whole other blog post!) Other things started showing up on those papers as time went on. Things like, "writer" or "cyclist", or personality characteristics.
I can't remember all of it. I'm not THAT in touch with myself!
But, you get the idea? If we were to draw out some kind of shape shifting map of the parts of our identities--over time--the size of certain parts would shape shift. "Mother" would be HUGE for awhile on mine, then gradually it'd get smaller as something else came more to the forefront of my attention. Or, maybe as "Mother" became easier? Or just hung around longer? Or?
That part, I don't know.
But do you see it? Do you see the parts of your Identity shape shifting as time goes on?
How would a drawing of this--your Identity Map--how would an Identity Map from your 20s look different than one in your 40s? Or whatever?
Now, maybe we just call our selves some of those things in our Identities cause we WISH we were those things? Or we are WORKING TOWARD those things? No one can really know but ourselves. It's kind of subjective when we make those lists, those maps.
Also, there is an evaluative aspect to the whole process. Maybe that one word or role I use to describe myself is something I'm really proud of! Or maybe it's something I'm self conscious about, or wish wasn't, or--even worse idea for someone like me--it's something I think I am, but! But! What if other people question it? Other people DON'T think I'm that? And it's something I value?
I digress.
Kind of.
But wouldn't it too be interesting to 1) not only make this list for yourself and do the whole "take one away and see how you feel" thing AND 2) ask someone close to you to make a list for you? see how they match up or don't? I'VE never done THAT.
Too bad I'm not a college instructor anymore! Cause that's a great idea for in my class.
Anyway, back to right now. Right now many of us are struggling with our identities, I'm guessing.
I'm guessing it cause I AM.
And I only just realized it the other day.
All this inner turmoil! Sense of loss! Perceived loss of purpose! Swirling wishy-washy what am I doing with my life where am I going who am I what am I doing what am I doing what am I DOING? Yeah, lots of that.
You know how sometimes we have this great fear of DEATH that smacks us in the face with reminders of its existence?
Well I'm not really having that right now. I'm just having this crisis of LIFE. (I suppose the two crises are intertwined. But again. I digress!)
And I think I'm having this crisis of life cause my identity is doing that shape shifting thing. And sure sometimes that kind of change can be exciting in its level of challenge and maybe-newness, but...for me right now it just feels really unpleasant. Kind of meh/painful/stressful/unsure.
So it helped the other day when I realized why I was feeling such a way.
How about you?
COVID came and I quickly lost my job.
Sure it's a "temporary" lay off, but you know how those things can go. Lots of uncertainty there.
In the end, it's turned out to probably be the best thing, though. Cause I don't know how I would've kept up teaching in real time 5 hours a day while my 3 children are home needing me for something pretty much on average every 3 minutes.
I like to think that no matter the challenge in life, I can arise and MEET it! Cause I CAN.
But IDEAL? No, it wouldn't have been IDEAL. It wouldn't have even been alright. It would've been AWFUL.
I can arise to meet the challenge of awful. But it's never ideal.
So I lost that job I'd been doing for 8 years (minus 1 year on a mat leave but plus 1 year same kinda job at a different location...soooooooo 8 years). And that's been slowly sinking in as I knew it would. I would like to write about that job more specifically another time. When more choices have been made and more uncertainty in that part of my identity has been sorted. But for now, suffice it to say that losing that job I've had to shape shift my Identity Map.
To what? To what to what to what to what to what?
That has been the question. Nagging at me.
Only I didn't really realize it till just the other day. As I mentioned.
I still do other things I enjoy, that I would put in some type of succinct wording onto my Identity Map for right-now-me at 40 years old. Things like ohhhh I like to write so maybe I'm a writer? (But AM I? There's that voice of second guessing.) Maybe I'm a singer or entertainer or some such thing? (But AM I?) Maybe I'm sensitive? Funny? Quirky, Creative, Girlfriend, Karaoke-er, Put Together-er of Outfits I Love, Teacher, Mother...and ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ADD HOME-SCHOOLER, STAY-AT-HOME-PARENT.
In fact, add those, make Mother into MOTHER, make the font of the rest of those words much smaller, maybe delete some of them actually. And there you have it.
My turmoil.
Anyone else?
This is one of the reasons we're struggling right now. Our Identities are having to adjust, shape shift. For some of us really really really drastically. And we don't know when it will end. And we don't know how many other ways we'll have to shape shift those Identities of ours in a very short period of time.
Collectively, even. But that's a whole other blog post.
Anyway, I write this to sort it out for myself.
The other day, in my turmoil, wandering the home aimlessly looking for another dish to do or thing to tidy or chore to catch up on or bill to pay or conflict to sort out or home-school meeting time to write on my calendar, well I was just feeling so SLUMP-y. You know the feeling? Like, what's the point? All of this is sooooooooo mundane in a totally new way that I'm really not that jazzed about!
WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?!!!!!!!!
And of course, someone else's eyes could clearly see it. So maybe ask someone else, if you've been struggling like me. Ask someone else that question. WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?!!!!!!!!
"Well, you're a MOTHER!" My Man told me. Not in a final kind of that's ALL you are way, just a way that, you know, kind of figuratively slapped me in the face.
Now, we all know that there are roles we play that we evaluate based on society's standards! Ok! We all do it! Being a MOTHER is a role society LOVES, but doesn't really walk-the-walk about. When I had first gotten my Masters of Education and then moved to Canada and had to be a NANNY(!) cause my credentials didn't immediately transfer, well I was acutely aware of this. I have to admit that I'm the type who does look for status and prestige in a job title. And Nanny was NOT how I wanted to introduce myself to people. (This has NOTHING TO DO with how important Nannies are! Just, has to do with my self consciousness in trying to conform to society's standards. I get older, I care less, but I still care.)
I mention all this, cause, well it's relevant to our Identity Maps. And the self esteem or evaluations related to those maps.
I asked My Man recently something else, besides WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?!!!!!!!!--something like, "Hey if I worked as a such-and-such would you still respect me?"...the such-and-such thing was a thing I internally completely respect, but maybe society gives the short end of the stick to...and without delay he said, "Of COURSE I would! I don't care what kind of job you do, as long as you enjoy it and it works for you!"
See that's something partners/other people are good for--pointing our your own ridiculous thinking. Making you take a step BACK from yourself.
Helping you see your Identity more clearly.
So anyway, if you're feeling in a funk right now, obviously you surely already know you're not alone. But maybe now you're able to put your finger on a part of WHY the funk(?) now. Our Identities are shape shifting! It's kind of an icky uncomfortable troubling feeling. Maybe draw it out! Identify your identities! Make peace with them. Make the most of them. Use them for good.
Who knows what's around the corner. Our Identities might need to shape shift again, and soon. Or we might be stuck like this for awhile.
Either way, all of this/all of us are in constant construction.
And...in most places even during COVID, construction didn't even take a temporary lay off.
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