PANIC! Attack
So it was a couple weeks ago now, and I was going to write about it right away, but I didn't. Maybe because I was trying to stay away from it. I was scared of it! You know how that goes---like if you just stay away from it maybe it will lose its power. But sometimes too, you just have to face it head on, and maybe that'll be scary but it'll probably be best in the long run.
I wanted to write about this to process it better, and also cause I'm sure some of you all out there can identify. Have you had one? ...It could be that, if you've had one, you might not be reading this. Through looking up symptoms of panic attacks after it happened, reading through the informative hand outs my doctor gave me, I ALSO learned that all that INFORMATION kind of freaked me out again. So I can understand if you don't want to read this, wherever you are now...
What else I've learned is, these things don't come out of nowhere. Even though in my rational mind it seems like it did.
Someone since told me that, "They can be caused by unresolved conflict"...HA! That's the majority of conflict?? Isn't it?? Those things left hanging, those things that come back again over and over and over and over. That thought, "Hey didn't we already have this argument?" or those nagging memories of what could've/should've been done? Enough of that swirling around in your mind and you're doomed for a panic attack? I guess?
What else I've learned, and I already knew, is that some people walk around and experience life at higher levels of anxiety as just their baseline. Maybe they get panic attacks, maybe they don't and they just suffer through the high heart rate high anxiety just all the time. And some people are maybe more like me and live life pushing through whatever might cause them anxiety like some kind of problem-solving-warrior machete-ing through it.
Ok, minor exaggeration. But I'm gonna go with it. The visual is amazing!
And, for the record, please know I also believe all those other anxiety people are warriors too. How couldn't they be??!!
So anyway, that visual! You machete through it and through it and through it and through it and through it and through it and through it until that next thing that happens that just breaks you. Only, you don't know it, cause you're too busy machete-ing.
You don't notice it until your night of fitful sleep where you feel like you might be dying cause well maybe your throat is constricting again like last year when you had that allergic reaction and maybe you're gonna need to go to the ER again but you know you do have that epipen so really if that's the case then chill out but oh no what if it's not an allergic reaction and that thing doesn't work and what if you don't actually know how to use it anyway and what if you do use it and it's totally terrifying and it makes everything worse and oh my goodness I think my throat really is closing in oh no maybe it's just a little bit sore cause you do have a cold so how bout take an ibuprofen cause the thought of having a sore throat and that getting worse and constricting your breathing even more is absolutely horrifying so there take that so you can sleep you can sleep you can sleep you can sleep AGH! don't sleep! did you just sleep and almost die cause you actually can't breathe? or is it cause your covers are just over you too tightly geesh push those things off geesh you have to work in the morning geesh you need to sleep you need to sleep you need to sleep you need to AGH! don't sleep! did you just sleep and almost die again cause you actually can't breathe?
"beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!"
OK great it's time to get up, face the day, you'll stop thinking about all this, go about your business, you'll be fine.
Only, I wasn't fine. I tried to go to my lap top, start my day, check my emails, do my work-from-home hour or two. But I couldn't. I couldn't even check my emails. Cause wasn't my throat closing in on me still? Should I go to the ER? But if I do what are they gonna actually do? What if I have to just WAIT there and still feel like this while I watch all these other people suffering too? What if they don't get to me on time? And anyway, what if I call a taxi and it doesn't even arrive on time? What might it be like to call an ambulance to come and get me? I mean, other times when I've called police for help, like when that weirdo drunk guy tried to get into my apartment at 3am (*unresolved conflict # bazillion?*), they take a long time to arrive.
I'm NOT fine. I can't focus! I can't breathe!!! What is GOING ON???????????
Ok.
So it's moments like these in life where you call a friend. (And if you're wondering why I didn't just get my man to help me, well he was unwell, for one thing...)
So I called my mom first, but she didn't answer.
So I called a dear friend who's been by me for lots of stuff, and I told her what was going on. And then the floodgates opened and I was crying so much I couldn't stop.
She helped me, then I took one of her suggestions and called a health line number, and that lady helped me too, and then my mom called, and she helped me too. And then once I was more calm my man helped me too. And I eventually went to work (late) and got through my day. The highlight ended up being making a couple videos later on, wherein I completely forgot about what had happened for a couple hours, while I enjoyed myself so thoroughly.
But I felt really worn out all day. Like I'd just been through with my machete-ing but it hadn't turned out so well. I was kind of defeated. Hungover from the experience. And definitely dreading going to sleep again that night.
******************
Now I know, I guess, what those things are like. I've seen my doctor, done all the things. Gotten some mind control back. Jumped on the deep breathing before it's too late. Told myself, "At least it was just this ONE! Megan, you know people who've gone through periods of having these all the time!"
I admire and respect those of you out there who do! Who did!
These things ain't no joke.
And I hope I never have to write about this topic again!
But if I do, well I will. And I'll have some song-singing at the ready for later, some help-me-people at my fingertips for during, and some deep breathing habits for prevention.
Thank goodness those things are possible!
Cause avoiding unresolved conflict (...and always machete-ing through it all...) well I'm not sure that is.
I wanted to write about this to process it better, and also cause I'm sure some of you all out there can identify. Have you had one? ...It could be that, if you've had one, you might not be reading this. Through looking up symptoms of panic attacks after it happened, reading through the informative hand outs my doctor gave me, I ALSO learned that all that INFORMATION kind of freaked me out again. So I can understand if you don't want to read this, wherever you are now...
What else I've learned is, these things don't come out of nowhere. Even though in my rational mind it seems like it did.
Someone since told me that, "They can be caused by unresolved conflict"...HA! That's the majority of conflict?? Isn't it?? Those things left hanging, those things that come back again over and over and over and over. That thought, "Hey didn't we already have this argument?" or those nagging memories of what could've/should've been done? Enough of that swirling around in your mind and you're doomed for a panic attack? I guess?
What else I've learned, and I already knew, is that some people walk around and experience life at higher levels of anxiety as just their baseline. Maybe they get panic attacks, maybe they don't and they just suffer through the high heart rate high anxiety just all the time. And some people are maybe more like me and live life pushing through whatever might cause them anxiety like some kind of problem-solving-warrior machete-ing through it.
Ok, minor exaggeration. But I'm gonna go with it. The visual is amazing!
And, for the record, please know I also believe all those other anxiety people are warriors too. How couldn't they be??!!
So anyway, that visual! You machete through it and through it and through it and through it and through it and through it and through it until that next thing that happens that just breaks you. Only, you don't know it, cause you're too busy machete-ing.
You don't notice it until your night of fitful sleep where you feel like you might be dying cause well maybe your throat is constricting again like last year when you had that allergic reaction and maybe you're gonna need to go to the ER again but you know you do have that epipen so really if that's the case then chill out but oh no what if it's not an allergic reaction and that thing doesn't work and what if you don't actually know how to use it anyway and what if you do use it and it's totally terrifying and it makes everything worse and oh my goodness I think my throat really is closing in oh no maybe it's just a little bit sore cause you do have a cold so how bout take an ibuprofen cause the thought of having a sore throat and that getting worse and constricting your breathing even more is absolutely horrifying so there take that so you can sleep you can sleep you can sleep you can sleep AGH! don't sleep! did you just sleep and almost die cause you actually can't breathe? or is it cause your covers are just over you too tightly geesh push those things off geesh you have to work in the morning geesh you need to sleep you need to sleep you need to sleep you need to AGH! don't sleep! did you just sleep and almost die again cause you actually can't breathe?
"beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! beep!"
OK great it's time to get up, face the day, you'll stop thinking about all this, go about your business, you'll be fine.
Only, I wasn't fine. I tried to go to my lap top, start my day, check my emails, do my work-from-home hour or two. But I couldn't. I couldn't even check my emails. Cause wasn't my throat closing in on me still? Should I go to the ER? But if I do what are they gonna actually do? What if I have to just WAIT there and still feel like this while I watch all these other people suffering too? What if they don't get to me on time? And anyway, what if I call a taxi and it doesn't even arrive on time? What might it be like to call an ambulance to come and get me? I mean, other times when I've called police for help, like when that weirdo drunk guy tried to get into my apartment at 3am (*unresolved conflict # bazillion?*), they take a long time to arrive.
I'm NOT fine. I can't focus! I can't breathe!!! What is GOING ON???????????
Ok.
So it's moments like these in life where you call a friend. (And if you're wondering why I didn't just get my man to help me, well he was unwell, for one thing...)
So I called my mom first, but she didn't answer.
So I called a dear friend who's been by me for lots of stuff, and I told her what was going on. And then the floodgates opened and I was crying so much I couldn't stop.
She helped me, then I took one of her suggestions and called a health line number, and that lady helped me too, and then my mom called, and she helped me too. And then once I was more calm my man helped me too. And I eventually went to work (late) and got through my day. The highlight ended up being making a couple videos later on, wherein I completely forgot about what had happened for a couple hours, while I enjoyed myself so thoroughly.
But I felt really worn out all day. Like I'd just been through with my machete-ing but it hadn't turned out so well. I was kind of defeated. Hungover from the experience. And definitely dreading going to sleep again that night.
******************
Now I know, I guess, what those things are like. I've seen my doctor, done all the things. Gotten some mind control back. Jumped on the deep breathing before it's too late. Told myself, "At least it was just this ONE! Megan, you know people who've gone through periods of having these all the time!"
I admire and respect those of you out there who do! Who did!
These things ain't no joke.
And I hope I never have to write about this topic again!
But if I do, well I will. And I'll have some song-singing at the ready for later, some help-me-people at my fingertips for during, and some deep breathing habits for prevention.
Thank goodness those things are possible!
Cause avoiding unresolved conflict (...and always machete-ing through it all...) well I'm not sure that is.
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