Reasons "I Shouldn't Have Gotten Divorced"
The scarves.
He always brought me back scarves from the thrift store. Beautiful, colourful, interesting, exotic, elegant, soft, eye-catching scarves.
I keep them, and admire them stacked on my dresser. Sometimes I wear them still. And I rotate them in and out over the living room light (Simon's idea!). I use one to cover my huge computer screen when it's not in use. It's got an ancient Japanese scene on it. Shouldn't be folded up in a pile. Can't be seen if I wear it. So it drapes there, like a painting.
What made me think of all this today? Well I think of all this often, actually. But I don't always feel compelled to write about it. Today, I thought of it because my hair's getting longer, so I opened up a little purple velvet box Greta had given me years ago, where I keep my hair clips. Inside this box are these little paper coupons he made me when Hosea was a baby, for Mother's Day. Chores he'd do for me! I think I was miserly with the coupons......and then it was all moot. But I saw them the other day and decided, again, to just put them right back in the box for looking at another time.
Switched from holding the coupons in my hand to getting the hair clips.
I used to have 6 of the hair clips, but now I only have 2.
I lost 2 of them somehow, somewhere, years ago. And then protected the last 4--because they proved to be so functional and hard to replace. I'd picked them up the one time I visited Whistler, with him, before we even lived in Canada. But I thought today about how when I'd given birth to the kids I'd gone in the hospital wearing the clips, to keep back my long hair. Possibly for all 3 births. And after some of the births I worried I'd misplaced the clips, in the chaos of labour. But, he always made sure I brought them all back home with me.
I often think of how he was when I was in labour: so strong and gentle and loving.
I don't know why I only have 2 clips now, cause he always did that, made sure I still had all 4.
(*I guess an obvious reason is the kids.
But, you know, that can be a reason to do it--actually--get a divorce.
And don't think I didn't consider that more than anything else.
So there's nothing else to say there.*).......................................
The clothes! And the coats, and the jewelry. In fact, just recently Simon complimented me on a dress, saying, "Where did you get it?"...so I told him. I'd always kinda wondered when that would happen, and he'd know. But, it felt fine, good!--in fact. Good to realize Simon liked the dress too! (What a lovely thought. A lovely connection. He might've picked it out too.) Yes, the clothes, the coats, the jewelry. Always such wonderful taste. Always fitting like it was made just for me (how did he manage to eyeball sizes so well?). Often a surprise, and always followed by a trying-on-time. And then compliments, too. Every day, compliments-- sincere, specific, helpful, affirming. I was visible. I was loved. Through it all, yes I was.
Maybe all this sounds so materialistic. Scarves, hair clips, clothes! But maybe these are the things I remember most because I still have them. For one thing, so often I choose an outfit and realize he gave me a piece of it.
I'm sure I'm not unique in some of this. Or in the fact that I keep the stuff.
See...I LIKE it! He knew me. Lots of me.
So I like the stuff. And I remember these good things, from it.
There are other things--less stuffy--like tears rolling down my cheeks humour. And, other things. Things too personal--or too mundane--to share here. Of course.
And of course...time has moved on and life has meandered the way it has in its beautiful and difficult and all mixed around ways. It flows along. And of course...I don't sit around thinking "reasons why I shouldn't have gotten divorced" cause...it's over and done with.
And no one can go back in time and change things.
And life has thrown us both beautiful gifts since.
More scarves to treasure.
He always brought me back scarves from the thrift store. Beautiful, colourful, interesting, exotic, elegant, soft, eye-catching scarves.
I keep them, and admire them stacked on my dresser. Sometimes I wear them still. And I rotate them in and out over the living room light (Simon's idea!). I use one to cover my huge computer screen when it's not in use. It's got an ancient Japanese scene on it. Shouldn't be folded up in a pile. Can't be seen if I wear it. So it drapes there, like a painting.
What made me think of all this today? Well I think of all this often, actually. But I don't always feel compelled to write about it. Today, I thought of it because my hair's getting longer, so I opened up a little purple velvet box Greta had given me years ago, where I keep my hair clips. Inside this box are these little paper coupons he made me when Hosea was a baby, for Mother's Day. Chores he'd do for me! I think I was miserly with the coupons......and then it was all moot. But I saw them the other day and decided, again, to just put them right back in the box for looking at another time.
Switched from holding the coupons in my hand to getting the hair clips.
I used to have 6 of the hair clips, but now I only have 2.
I lost 2 of them somehow, somewhere, years ago. And then protected the last 4--because they proved to be so functional and hard to replace. I'd picked them up the one time I visited Whistler, with him, before we even lived in Canada. But I thought today about how when I'd given birth to the kids I'd gone in the hospital wearing the clips, to keep back my long hair. Possibly for all 3 births. And after some of the births I worried I'd misplaced the clips, in the chaos of labour. But, he always made sure I brought them all back home with me.
I often think of how he was when I was in labour: so strong and gentle and loving.
I don't know why I only have 2 clips now, cause he always did that, made sure I still had all 4.
(*I guess an obvious reason is the kids.
But, you know, that can be a reason to do it--actually--get a divorce.
And don't think I didn't consider that more than anything else.
So there's nothing else to say there.*).......................................
The clothes! And the coats, and the jewelry. In fact, just recently Simon complimented me on a dress, saying, "Where did you get it?"...so I told him. I'd always kinda wondered when that would happen, and he'd know. But, it felt fine, good!--in fact. Good to realize Simon liked the dress too! (What a lovely thought. A lovely connection. He might've picked it out too.) Yes, the clothes, the coats, the jewelry. Always such wonderful taste. Always fitting like it was made just for me (how did he manage to eyeball sizes so well?). Often a surprise, and always followed by a trying-on-time. And then compliments, too. Every day, compliments-- sincere, specific, helpful, affirming. I was visible. I was loved. Through it all, yes I was.
Maybe all this sounds so materialistic. Scarves, hair clips, clothes! But maybe these are the things I remember most because I still have them. For one thing, so often I choose an outfit and realize he gave me a piece of it.
I'm sure I'm not unique in some of this. Or in the fact that I keep the stuff.
See...I LIKE it! He knew me. Lots of me.
So I like the stuff. And I remember these good things, from it.
There are other things--less stuffy--like tears rolling down my cheeks humour. And, other things. Things too personal--or too mundane--to share here. Of course.
And of course...time has moved on and life has meandered the way it has in its beautiful and difficult and all mixed around ways. It flows along. And of course...I don't sit around thinking "reasons why I shouldn't have gotten divorced" cause...it's over and done with.
And no one can go back in time and change things.
And life has thrown us both beautiful gifts since.
More scarves to treasure.
Comments
Post a Comment