Not Good Enough(!?)

You know those Facebook Memories things that pop up on your phone? How do you feel about those?
I mostly love them, but sometimes I don't. 
I guess that's how it is with memories!

Today, this one appeared, from 2 years ago:

"It's ok to not be good at stuff. 
See this coat here? I'm not good at taking things to be dry cleaned. Ever. I've had this coat for 14 years--wore it all over the Italian trains on my honeymoon--it's never once been washed. Maybe that's partly because I'm not good at not being sentimental?
Other things I'm not good at:
*Making Hosea sleep in his own bed
*Noticing when my children's nails need to be trimmed
*Letting things go
*Taking out the recycling before it's overflowing everywhere
*Putting effort into cooking
*Pretending I care when my girls tell me about the next level they've gotten to in this weird game they play on my phone
*Cleaning my shower
*With-holding judgement and expectations
*Stopping myself from rolling my eyes or raising my voice when I'm annoyed and upset
*Reading and following directions
*Being spontaneous
*Composting
*Using new technology
*Ignoring my phone when I'm at home with my kids
*Not eating the chocolate chips in my kitchen
*Being generous with my time and money
Before you get all--"Oh no poor Megan needs some reassurance!"--on me please know I'm plenty good at self awareness and acknowledging what I AM good at. That's not what this post is about 
It's just that today I had a couple conversations with people where I realized we're all so uncomfortable with this idea! Sure, deep down we beat ourselves up about things, but we try to display our best selves to the world, especially on places like here. This is ok-ish, but what's wrong with also just being real? We can't be good at everything! That's why we have each other. To learn from, and be inspired by, and maybe try to improve for in little ways. We're a little potpourri of strengths and weaknesses. Good at, and not good at.
Today I admitted to someone that I'm really not good at being on time. I'm not!
But in admitting that, I realized this person didn't even know that about me yet! I'd been being (mostly) on time for this person! I also realized that by being aware of this weakness, I'd become more vulnerable about admitting it to others. I guess making ourselves vulnerable can actually lead to change?!
Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes, sometimes not. But it's worth a try.
Now, I'm not good at writing when I'm too sleepy. I must bid all you patient readers in my FaceBOOK land a goodnight ✨
Sweet dreams about all the things you're not good at. Then I hope you wake up smiling, because it's ok." 

And there was a picture of the coat, the coat I've STILL never dry-cleaned! I have a lot of coats though, and some of them I only pull out on occasion. So maybe it's ok?
 
Sometimes I think it's not a good idea to check social media first thing in the morning. But, just like those things up there that I'm not good at, but don't improve upon, I still do it anyway. 
Seeing the reminders of the not-good-enoughs right as I got up was a little bit like a slap in the face!
Because! Most of those things I'm still not good at!

Let's see which ones I've improved on, in two years: 
Making Hosea sleep in his own bed--well he's 5 now, he's chosen to, so maybe I was good at waiting till he was ready
Taking out the recycling before it's overflowing everywhere--I was good at finding a man to do that for me! Simon does it all the time and I've NEVER EVER EVER had to even prompt him!
Pretending I care when my girls tell me about the next level they've gotten to in this weird game they play on my phone--they don't play that game anymore, I was good at shutting THAT down!
Composting--I do it now! And Greta is helping me with the soft plastic recycling. I'm good at recruiting her know-how just like my own parents did when I got into recycling back in the 90s. I'm good at learning a few things here and there. And ok, this isn't really something someone can be *good* at-- really? You either do it or you don't.

I could definitely negate all the improvements by adding in the new ones I've become more aware of since I wrote that. 
They haunt you, those things you're not good at.
They remind you. 
Here it comes! A situation to spark it! 
You swipe it away, get the blur out of your eyes, bat at it with you hands, but it buzzes around like an annoying fly. And the fly swatter seems too weak, or you are too weak to use it.

Simon's next to me right now, trying to sync up the sound to my video entry for the Postmodern Jukebox contest. The one that I most definitely will be not-good-enough to win!
But I try anyway. Because there's always hope! Because it's fun! Because I want to persist in getting better! Because it will bring views to my channel! Because some people might enjoy it! Because maybe just maybe I get an honourable mention or something like that!
That last part is a long shot. There's so much talent out there. (But there's the not-good-enough voice again.)
As he's working on this he just leaned over to me and said, "Wow the piano playing on this song is amazing. He's just playing like it's no problem at all! All over the keys..." and I could see that familiar look of not-good-enough in his own face. Piano is his thing.
As I was working on this too, he leaned over and had to use my own computer for a minute. "What's this USB doing in here? Do you remember why you put it in there?"..."Ohhhhhh for something...awhile ago, I guess," and he was gracious, as I felt the haunting not-good-enough--whooops!--with technology again.
And then when he finished he came over and tried to talk to me again, give me a little shoulder rub while I was writing, and I snapped at him. "When are you gonna learn NOT to interrupt me while I'm writing?" "Sorry! Sorry...I'm learning," he said as he coiled away and backed off (literally walking away backwards)! 
(Aren't you glad you're not Simon?)
See one of the things I'm not-good-enough at is relationships. I could write a whole list just about that topic! It haunts me, that one. Because there are real consequences.
The things we're not-good-enough at can and should be forgiven, we should cut ourselves a little slack. At least that's how I try to see it. I'm generally not a perfectionist in anything. 
But that doesn't mean I don't notice my own errors.
And when I see how some of those not-good-enoughs can have really dire consequences, well they're no matter for just trying to ignore! The haunting should be taken seriously. Especially the more it circles back. That's how I envision it--circling back on us here and there as we go about our business, testing to see if we learned anything from the last time, checking to see if we're good enough now to withstand the spirals swiping at us.
...........................................
Simon interrupts me again. This time I don't snap at him. The lesson is fresh in my mind.
He's on about this actual topic I'm writing about, not even knowing I'm writing about it!!
Telling me his own struggles! 

Cause we all have them. 
Maybe that's the point here, the reminder.
Because when I feel allllllllllll alone in the not-good-enoughs that haunt me, I can use the haunting for good, for learning from--not to weigh me down in defeat--and I can remember that I'm not all alone. 
It's just part of being human. And each day, each second, is a chance to use the fly swatter again.


***********************************************************************************
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*One final note here: as I finished writing this Simon did interrupt me, again (ok, in between working on my song and emptying the dishwasher, so I'm not complaining! just noticing)!
His interruption was to randomly ask me if the song, "I'm Too Sexy" was a hit in the States too. Cause that's actually a much better way to start the day than looking at social media!
"Ummm yeah it was!!" I say, smiling to myself.
Do YOU remember that one?
The opposite of Not-Good-Enough.
Let's sprinkle a little bit of that in here too. And thank Simon for his interruptions. Because maybe what I could have perceived as a fault of his, a not-good-enough to throw in his face (I'm not-good-enough at not doing that with the people who I love the most!!) one he is aware of (both of those faults he's aware of: his own, and mine, HA!) well, his interruptions really helped me with this post! HA!
Let's sprinkle a little bit of that in here too.







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