When You're Pregnant

When you're pregnant...

When you're pregnant you wake up every night to go pee. Each time reminding yourself that you will possibly someday wake up in the night ready to have the baby, or have to labour through that night to finish having the baby...and you think about *how will you DO this* and *how tired you'll be* and *how much you don't want to do that (again)* and how *didn't I say this the last time?* and *well then why am I doing this again?* and...you pee...heave yourself back into bed with all the pillows, and conk out for another couple hours. At least(?) you're not up all night breastfeeding baby yet. But mostly that sounds better than the doom of impending labour. So.

When you're pregnant you wake up every night to go pee and think about how well *at least I can just go right back to sleep* cause the baby's still tucked inside, getting everything he needs without you doing much of anything. I mean, without you doing much of anything that requires you to stay awake. Fine, then.

When you're pregnant your clothes...well, some of your clothes they maybe fit better than they did before? You can wear the things that maybe have empire waists without feeling the dreaded pooch-iness (who cares?!), you can walk along the beach in your swimsuit without unconsciously/consciously feeling like you have to *suck it in* somewhere/somehow. Most of your favourite clothes hang in your closet, though, long lost friends who you can't wait to reunite with, the longer you're apart. When you're pregnant you look at photos of yourself not pregnant and you're just not quite sure who that person is anymore! But she wore those clothes! And those clothes are still here! So!

When you're pregnant, and it's summer, wearing a bikini with your big baby belly out is...overrated. But, you still appreciate getting to do it, cause...maybe you've always wanted to. On second thought, though, how bout just one day of it? Let the people stare, stare at you and not say anything. Aghast and feeling whatever feelings seeing someone with a huge pregnant belly at the pool brings up. Loss, Relief, Jealousy, Disgust, Envy, Shock, Nostalgia, Quiet Delight. You walk-waddle past them, trying to make sure your ass isn't hanging out as much as your belly is. Trying not to *actually care* about that, but well that's hard to shake. Unlike the extra flesh everywhere on your thighs and arms! Extra Womanly, you say. 

When you're pregnant you watch as your body does amazing things. You're just along for the ride. Take the vitamins, get enough sleep, drink enough water, do the exercises, read the books, eat enough fiber, watch your iron, stop wearing your bra. Why do bras even exist, anyway?! 

When you're pregnant you think about all the things that could go wrong, and the list seems unending. The worst thoughts--like death of you or the baby--don't stay away for long. You tell yourself the stats are reassuring (but are they?) and you and baby should be fine (but will you?). You try to think positive, cause what's the point of worrying? Check one worry off the list and a new one will be just around the corner anyway! When you're pregnant you try to be present in the moment. Right?

Like when you're in labour. Present in the moment, the moment that lasts 60-90 seconds and gradually only gives you a less than 60-90 seconds of peace and if you could just be as present in THAT moment of peace as you are in that "moment" of non-peace-squeezing-a-life-out-of-you then maybe you wouldn't have to go for the pain meds and then the pain meds might not make you feel guilty for taking pain meds (but why? I don't feel guilty taking pain meds at the dentist?) and then the pain meds might slow everything down and then the pain meds might make it so you can't squeeze that baby out anyway and then the pain meds might make it so you have to get more pain meds and go under the knife and then wonder if maybe you did this or that or this or that or were just more PRESENT and AWARE OF YOUR BREATH and YOUR POWER and the REST AND PEACE in between then you would've ended up with a different result? But you did that before. And sitting in a sitz bath for weeks postpartum wasn't all that great either. In between a rock and a hard place!

Really, though, when you're pregnant the only result you want is a healthy baby and a healthy you. So...who cares! About all that stuff in that above paragraph! Says a when-you're-pregnant-for the 4th time-er.

When you're pregnant you hold onto the life you have now, knowing it will all change in 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, -1, -2 (please nooooo!) weeks time! Drastically. When you're pregnant you hope the change will happen right around that number 1 or 2 count, mmmkay? Let the *drastically* come around that time. Until then you hold onto the lazy Saturday nights, the lazy Sundays. The time just you and your partner. The time just you and your kids. You hold onto the pee interrupted sleep. You hold onto the amazing miracle happening inside your body. You hold onto the money you have, that will be less so later. The space you have, that will be less so later. The relationships you have, that will be forever altered later. The family you have, that will never be the same. 

When you're pregnant you watch your belly move. Maybe feel the scratches inside there. The kicks to parts of you that you usually don't give a second thought to. When you're pregnant you pat that amazing belly, and you wonder about the being inside there! What will he look like? What colour will his eyes be? His hair? How big will he grow before he makes his appearance our here? Does he realize in any way what is waiting for him? 

When you're pregnant you sometimes can't stop moving (like baby), and you sometimes only want to rest. When you're pregnant you sometimes feel super-human, and you sometimes feel like just getting up out of this chair and placing anymore weight on this pelvis or these feet will be TOO MUCH to bear. 

When you're pregnant you worry you'll be left behind. Once the baby is born you'll be a forgotten milk-bags. I mean, not forgotten to the baby, cause of the milk-bags, but...you know. A saggy, leaking, haggard, forgotten milk-bags. You worry you'll miss out on the other things you used to do. You worry about what will happen to you -- where will I go, how will I feel, will I get the postpartum depression this time? How will I exercise? How will my partner respond to all these changes? My kids? Says the 4th-timer (and especially so) with a new partner. 

When you're pregnant you worry you're not prepared. What if he comes early? What if I don't have this or that or I forgot about this or that? You know of people who slept in drawers as newborns, though. So...really. If it's your 4th you will get the absolute minimum. Knowing how fast it goes, how much you don't need of THINGS and how much you DO need of precious snuggles, lullubyes, skin-to-skin, smiles. Knowing your body is preparing with all these ever-so-frightening Braxton Hicks practice contractions. Reminding you. 

Your uterus is getting ready, but when you're pregnant you know you-as-a-whole can never be fully ready, you can never be in complete control, you can never be in the clear. When you're pregnant you're along for the ride and...you're gratefully taking that ride, all through the swollen feet and achey pelvis. All through the times of absolute terror at the (known) pain and (unknown) drama ahead of you in that hospital. Cause that moment when baby is out, on that chest of yours that's been preparing these last few months, well, it's all worth it. Those kinds of moments come and go in life, and baby will soon know that too. When you're pregnant you know you will be present for that moment, and you will soak in every last bit of that bloody sweaty life sustaining connection on that chest of yours. Your partner still up there at your side (cause no way will he have DOWN THERE EVER in the process!)--you both looking into that beautiful baby's eyes, reassuring him with the voices he's anticipated. 

Ready to keep on the journey together.

.......

Until then, 11 more weeks give or take, and every night when you wake up to pee you'll just terror about labour. But, labour is the only thing that'll get him here. You're along for the ride. And when you're pregnant, even if you think you CAN'T, well, you can. I mean just stay away from the stats. Be present in these moments, cause worry does nothing. You CAN. When you're pregnant, remember: you CAN. And you (almost!) Can't Wait.