Loneliness

 "The irony of loneliness

is that we all feel it

at the same time"

Rupi Kaur

If only I could believe that. 

Cause I don't, really. Loneliness is something we all feel, and many of us feel it at the same time, and many of us don't. I believe that because sometimes I don't feel lonely. It is a beautiful poem either way... 

but sometimes I don't feel lonely. And other people most certainly do.

And sometimes I do. (Lately. Often.) And other people most certainly don't.

Maybe it's the pandemic? The loneliness lately and often thing. Maybe it's the pandemic's trickle down and around and everywhere effect. 

I received today, in fact, a post about loneliness from this guy I follow, Mark Manson. Basically saying what we all already know--that reports of loneliness are going up. That it's probably due to our current lifestyles--even pandemic aside--you know, how we have these individualistic cultures, we move away from our families, we are hooked on our technologies to get our social fixes and they don't give us the same fullness, religious participation is going down and that used to be a big place where we'd find a sense of community...on and on. He said too, that loneliness is pretty much the root of most of our problems. 

I say, feeling lonely leads to more problems, and more problems leads to feeling lonely. It's like a little vicious cycle. Do we need to just pull ourselves up by our individualistic bootstraps and just find those things that make us feel less lonely? Is it all my own responsibility? Feel lonely, Do something about it?

"Loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself" Rupi Kaur

Actually, I'm quite sick of myself. Not in a self loathing kind of way, just, in an alone-ness kind of way. Sitting here with just myself, and this screen. Hearing the clock ticking (it always taunts me the very most when I'm lonely, its only noise in the silence that is).

Loneliness sits, and ticks 

In the work from home zooms as the highlight

Under the pillow where I rest my hands at night, tucked for safekeeping

From the mouth of my grandma, who talks to her deceased husband's photo every morning

Eating alone, again, when I'd rather not

In the ads (from products and people) for holidays that I will dreadfully not celebrate in that way 

Between the questions I ask about other people's lives

In the wake of failed relationships, the ones that ran their course and leave the chasm

Along the veiled internet searches for distraction/connection/comfort that only leave the wanting emptiness

Within the tears of all the sadness sliding down, as they do

Around the soft wind of the falling brown leaf I just saw drop

Loneliness sits, and ticks the time away

I mean, that's what I want, sometimes. In the loneliness. I want the time to just tick away. 1:05? That's all you're at yet today, time? If you don't know this feeling, well...

I know. Some of you reading might think to yourselves, "Gee, I wish I could feel lonely. Have some space and time to myself. Wow, what'd I'd DO with it! How I'd replenish!" I know. 

But see, sometimes that just being with yourself thing, well it gets old. It gets loud, it sobs, "I'm so alone!" Have you ever sobbed that? In writing, it really doesn't come through with the dramatics it feels like.

Even so I am forgetting, that even in a crowded room, even in a crowded house, the noise of loneliness can outweigh all the other sounds. And one can cry, "I'm so alone!" just the same. 

THAT is the irony of loneliness. Or...maybe loneliness has multiple ironies. To keep itself company.

In this pandemic have you found, like me, that socializing with people in real life is even more a treat, AND even more exhausting(!!), than it used to be? Here's the part where I reassure you all to, oh..."...don't get me wrong, I'm not ALWAYS lonely these days...". In fact, many *days* I buffer this feeling with life-giving playground conversation. And I feel refreshed, a little more full, a little more exhausted. Which is good for when the often-empty *night* inevitably arrives. Thank you/No thank you, ticking clock. 

But yes, the real life socializing leaves me a good kind of exhausted. Like when you've had a packed day, not even a moment to ponder that ever present loneliness sitting within, you've been racing around and talking with people and getting outside and just trying to fit everything in to the ticks of the day, not trying to find things to fill the ticks in with. So, by the time your head hits the pillow, and your hands tuck under it (if that's how you do things), well you're out. Bing Bang Bong another day come and gone. Loneliness dodged.

I'm sure some people do all that stuff with an undertone of throbbing loneliness, though. Not dodged. Cause loneliness is a dodgy piece of work. Even in the busy-ness. 

So anyway, what would your poem look like?

I write here because, even though I feel so alone, so lonely, and I might be this close to exclaiming it through tears hands raised in the air in a dramatically pleading kind of way, well, I recognize that...I guess I'm not alone. Like Rupi Kaur says. (Thank you, Rupi.)

It's just that, aside from people like Rupi, not many really want to talk about their own loneliness. We talk about Other People's Loneliness here and there. But not our own. Not our own feelings of loneliness at the facing of death facing of the ticking clock facing of the "Gah!!! I'm so aLONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" kind of way. Why is that? 

Well, maybe cause then we wouldn't be distracting ourselves from it, and we'd have to face it, and it would feel worse. Maybe because we pride ourselves on having our shit together and having all the fun and all the family and all the friends and all the successes. Maybe because we don't have the time to even realize we feel lonely? Maybe because sometimes sometimes sometimes we're actually NOT that lonely. (Yes, I can remind myself that that state does exist! Thank you, me.) Maybe cause it's embarrassing or shameful to admit to feeling loneliness? Maybe cause we don't want to come across like we're looking for ughhhhh(!) pity(!)?

So, anyway,

what do you do when you're lonely? 

In my worst, I find harmful distractions. In my best I take a walk, write, call someone, fix something, sing, read, let it pass. Maybe even pace around and feel it, feel it surround me as I say, "I'm SO aLONE!" 

No, it doesn't comfort me much to realize I'm not alone in my loneliness. It is mine to feel. In my own way. And it will ebb and flow in big and small moves throughout my life. 

If I greet it as a familiar friend--especially when it's been away for awhile--and ask it to sit down with me as I sip my hot tea in the quiet ticks of the clock, I'm probably best off. 

Easier said than done.

But with that,

time to boil the water again. ❤