Love & Death
Do you remember that first time in your life when you actually thought about death? Realized it was a real thing, it would happen to you, it would happen to everyone you know?
I remember. I was sitting in my Grandma Hope and Grandpa Harry's dining room, having just finished a meal, and something about our conversation led me to the memorable realization that I would die someday. And the more I thought about it the more I felt like I was just falling into this huge black hole of nothingness, and it was terrifying.
So I stopped thinking about it.
A friend told me recently something I'd heard before--basically that everything we do in life is to distract us from the fact that we'll die someday.
Really?
I do a lot of stuff, I keep pretty busy, but I still manage to think about death pretty much every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. Is that normal?
******
My son has been asking me questions about death for the last year or so. Maybe his ah-ha death-moment was much earlier than mine, because I think I must've been at least 8 years old before that experience in my grandparent's dining room! My son is a deep existential thinker! Just the other day he was talking to me about something, about something he'd be doing when he was a grown up ("I'm going to be a water bottle maker" is I think what it was...) and then he stopped for a second and said: "When I'm a grown up you'll be dead(. / ?)"
"Oh Hosea no I'm pretty sure I'll still be alive when you're a grown up"
"But you'll have white hair?"
Later that same day he was asking me questions about how old I might live to be, and then he said his familiar line:
"Mama, when you die I die".
"Mama, when you die I die."
How many times have I heard that?
Once, when he was crossing the road dangerously and I gave him a little lecture about being safe and waiting, well, I also threw in there:
"Because if you cross the street like that then you might get hurt--you could die!"
"Well, then come with me! You can die too!"
And then over the most recent weekend he was climbing something not meant to be climbed so high, and nothing I said got him to stop, so I pulled that line again:
"If you keep climbing like that you could fall and get really hurt--you could die!"
and he said:
"Well then you die too!"
"Ha! Well Hosea, I'm not ready to die yet! And I'm not ready for you to die yet either!"
A few nights ago, laying with him as he fell asleep, I had that moment-in-my-grandparent's-dining room kinda thing again, out of nowhere, and I thought about how someday I'd die, and he'd die, and all that...and wondered what would happen...and then I felt that black hole of nothingness, and it was terrifying.
So I stopped thinking about it.
I mean, I say I think about death often every day, but not THINK about it think about it---not in THAT way. That's pushing it! Is that normal?
Anyway, I came out of his room and I was holding back tears, cause I'd been thinking about it, and I was all emotional, so I told Simon; I said, "I was just thinking about how someday I'm gonna die, Hosea's gonna die, everyone's gonna die".
He didn't laugh at me...he didn't tell me hey that was silly why don't you think about something else...he just said:
"I know! It's brutal, isn't it?"
******
I dyed my hair black just the other day. I'm reading a book about aging. I'm turning 40 in two months. I'm writing a blog post about Death. I think all that is why I had this awful, just AWFUL(!) dream the other night. I won't tell you about all of it (because, to quote one of my favourite songs, "No one wants to hear, what you dreamt about, unless you dreamt about, THEM!") BUT, basically it was a dream where four of the things I fear most were happening. One of those things involved heights. Really really really high heights, that other people were making me endure, and I was slipping, and I could see how far I was going to be falling, and no one took seriously that I was in danger. The whole dream was this theme, of all the things most personal to me that I am really afraid of--you know those kind of disturbing recurring dreams? But here they allllllllllll ganged up on me and came together in one long dream!
I read a little about what it could mean, and it might've been about control, or unresolved conflict. But a friend said it could've also been about the fear of losing everything.
Maybe I've cursed myself in thinking too much about death these days.
But it's just been popping in so much, unannounced, and I'm trying to let it sit. Not in a morbid way, but just give it a place.
See it's often my son who reminds me of it. With his honest questions, his trying to figure it out. Do we kind of stop doing that at a certain point? Stop talking about it? It's true we kind of just live distracting ourselves from it. Maybe that's ok, I mean we're meant to LIVE while we're here.
But, as my dad once told me, "There's a thin veil between this world and the next".
What's "next" though?
That's why it's so terrifying.
Could it be NOTHING? Is this all just random chaos? Meaningless existence?
That's why it's so terrifying! I think for anyone, deep down, no matter what they believe.
But, if we're able to HAVE THOSE THOUGHTS, then how can that be? How can it all be meaningless chaos? How can it dissolve to nothingness?
We don't know what we don't know.
Anyway, we do know we have a finite time here. "So do something amazing!" Simon said, as we (quickly) closed our brief death conversation...with an exhale-and-a-distraction the other night.
Whatever your feelings about Woody Allen, if you can separate out his art from his other stuff, well then watch Love & Death. I found out early in our relationship that this is one of Simon's favourite movies--that Love of mine. So anyway, when those death thoughts creep in--and they should!--and you're just feeling like you're falling into this huge black hole of nothingness, watch Love & Death, and remember this line from, of all places(!), a business/self promotion book I read recently:
"Life gives us one good reason to laugh every chance we get: no one, after all, gets out of here alive."
And then stop thinking about it. And do the other thing that business/self promotion book (of all places!) tells us:
"Go to life's dance. Life is a wonder, lived in a blink."
What's after the blink?
Well, we'll all know someday, won't we?
Sweet dreams ;-)
I remember. I was sitting in my Grandma Hope and Grandpa Harry's dining room, having just finished a meal, and something about our conversation led me to the memorable realization that I would die someday. And the more I thought about it the more I felt like I was just falling into this huge black hole of nothingness, and it was terrifying.
So I stopped thinking about it.
A friend told me recently something I'd heard before--basically that everything we do in life is to distract us from the fact that we'll die someday.
Really?
I do a lot of stuff, I keep pretty busy, but I still manage to think about death pretty much every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. Is that normal?
******
My son has been asking me questions about death for the last year or so. Maybe his ah-ha death-moment was much earlier than mine, because I think I must've been at least 8 years old before that experience in my grandparent's dining room! My son is a deep existential thinker! Just the other day he was talking to me about something, about something he'd be doing when he was a grown up ("I'm going to be a water bottle maker" is I think what it was...) and then he stopped for a second and said: "When I'm a grown up you'll be dead(. / ?)"
"Oh Hosea no I'm pretty sure I'll still be alive when you're a grown up"
"But you'll have white hair?"
Later that same day he was asking me questions about how old I might live to be, and then he said his familiar line:
"Mama, when you die I die".
"Mama, when you die I die."
How many times have I heard that?
Once, when he was crossing the road dangerously and I gave him a little lecture about being safe and waiting, well, I also threw in there:
"Because if you cross the street like that then you might get hurt--you could die!"
"Well, then come with me! You can die too!"
And then over the most recent weekend he was climbing something not meant to be climbed so high, and nothing I said got him to stop, so I pulled that line again:
"If you keep climbing like that you could fall and get really hurt--you could die!"
and he said:
"Well then you die too!"
"Ha! Well Hosea, I'm not ready to die yet! And I'm not ready for you to die yet either!"
A few nights ago, laying with him as he fell asleep, I had that moment-in-my-grandparent's-dining room kinda thing again, out of nowhere, and I thought about how someday I'd die, and he'd die, and all that...and wondered what would happen...and then I felt that black hole of nothingness, and it was terrifying.
So I stopped thinking about it.
I mean, I say I think about death often every day, but not THINK about it think about it---not in THAT way. That's pushing it! Is that normal?
Anyway, I came out of his room and I was holding back tears, cause I'd been thinking about it, and I was all emotional, so I told Simon; I said, "I was just thinking about how someday I'm gonna die, Hosea's gonna die, everyone's gonna die".
He didn't laugh at me...he didn't tell me hey that was silly why don't you think about something else...he just said:
"I know! It's brutal, isn't it?"
******
I dyed my hair black just the other day. I'm reading a book about aging. I'm turning 40 in two months. I'm writing a blog post about Death. I think all that is why I had this awful, just AWFUL(!) dream the other night. I won't tell you about all of it (because, to quote one of my favourite songs, "No one wants to hear, what you dreamt about, unless you dreamt about, THEM!") BUT, basically it was a dream where four of the things I fear most were happening. One of those things involved heights. Really really really high heights, that other people were making me endure, and I was slipping, and I could see how far I was going to be falling, and no one took seriously that I was in danger. The whole dream was this theme, of all the things most personal to me that I am really afraid of--you know those kind of disturbing recurring dreams? But here they allllllllllll ganged up on me and came together in one long dream!
I read a little about what it could mean, and it might've been about control, or unresolved conflict. But a friend said it could've also been about the fear of losing everything.
Maybe I've cursed myself in thinking too much about death these days.
But it's just been popping in so much, unannounced, and I'm trying to let it sit. Not in a morbid way, but just give it a place.
See it's often my son who reminds me of it. With his honest questions, his trying to figure it out. Do we kind of stop doing that at a certain point? Stop talking about it? It's true we kind of just live distracting ourselves from it. Maybe that's ok, I mean we're meant to LIVE while we're here.
But, as my dad once told me, "There's a thin veil between this world and the next".
What's "next" though?
That's why it's so terrifying.
Could it be NOTHING? Is this all just random chaos? Meaningless existence?
That's why it's so terrifying! I think for anyone, deep down, no matter what they believe.
But, if we're able to HAVE THOSE THOUGHTS, then how can that be? How can it all be meaningless chaos? How can it dissolve to nothingness?
We don't know what we don't know.
Anyway, we do know we have a finite time here. "So do something amazing!" Simon said, as we (quickly) closed our brief death conversation...with an exhale-and-a-distraction the other night.
Whatever your feelings about Woody Allen, if you can separate out his art from his other stuff, well then watch Love & Death. I found out early in our relationship that this is one of Simon's favourite movies--that Love of mine. So anyway, when those death thoughts creep in--and they should!--and you're just feeling like you're falling into this huge black hole of nothingness, watch Love & Death, and remember this line from, of all places(!), a business/self promotion book I read recently:
"Life gives us one good reason to laugh every chance we get: no one, after all, gets out of here alive."
And then stop thinking about it. And do the other thing that business/self promotion book (of all places!) tells us:
"Go to life's dance. Life is a wonder, lived in a blink."
What's after the blink?
Well, we'll all know someday, won't we?
Sweet dreams ;-)
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