Hormones
They're not just for women, ok? The whole cycle thing either, ok? There's research.
It's like I'm two different people, and I've been warned it only gets worse with age.
"Mama, you 39?"
"Yes, Hosea, THIRty nine...not FORty nine."
"I know, FOR(3)ty nine!"
And maybe during this oft-repeated-conversation I'll be completely irritated and exasperated that he's interrupted me again with this question, or maybe I'll be kind of dismissive like I'm really in the middle of DOING something so why THIS question right NOW, or maybe I'll think the question is just so incredibly sweet and it'll make me think of how innocent and tender the whole interaction is and how oh I wish he could just stay this age forever and how oh no he won't and neither will I and how oh no someday I'll miss these kind of moments and how oh no someday he'll be old and grown up and 39 himself (whoops did I just say 39 is "old"??!) and maybe he won't even call me and oh no someday I'll be DEAD and the whole thing won't matter at all and so then I'll cry the tears of
allllllllll the sadness.
You get the point, I'm sure.
It only gets worse with age, people. Or so I've been told.
"Mama, I want to be 5 forever, and you be FOR(3)ty nine forever."
He said that to me tonight, and it didn't make me want to cry. I simply thought it was a sweet and interesting thing to say, and it led to more conversation, which was nice. That's about it.
You know, it does get worse with age.
And maybe we also become more self aware with age.
Because oh wow am I aware of this aspect of myself! I'm two people! (How many are you?)
When I was a teenager I had moments of this realization. I had this boyfriend who I ended up being with for several years, but in the beginning I broke up with him three times! And after the third time I noticed there was a hormonal (i.e. cyclical) correlation to these break ups. So see, I was even a bit self aware back then. And the hormones!
But it's getting worse with age, the hormone thing!
Please don't even think it's just some convenient excuse. It's real.
And how can it be controlled?
Well like anything wild and out of reach, we probably can't control it, so being self aware can at least stop it from completely controlling us.
I'll tell you what happens. And I could plot it out on a calendar, predict it!
First, I'm all mush and sensitivity and love and sentimentality and tears and affection. For a few days.
Then, I'm kind of needy and insecure and maybe a little down and ho hum. For a few days.
And then there's a turn. A twitch I feel.
I become more of a go-getter, more fiesty, more complainy, more assertive, more confident, more easily enraged, more industrious and nesty.
And then I become the opposite of the First. This is when I become distant and irritable and incredibly judgy and controlly (which is saying something because I'm kind of that way at all stages) and "don't-touch-me" and extra independent.
And...repeat every 30 days.
That's how it goes.
And it only gets worse with age, they say!
There are certain topics that I waffle around about, in my mind, the kind of personal ones I *might* not share with just anyone. And my feelings on those topics are like a tennis ball that goes from one side of the court to the COMPLETE OPPOSITE within that 30 day period. Every 30 day period.
How am I to make decisions?
Who is the "real" me?
I am afraid of this "it only gets worse with age" thing. Don't we all kind of want to escape ourselves anyway? I mean, it is we ourselves that is the hardest thing to escape.
But...we ourselves are apparently the easiest thing to control. At least, that's what all the books will tell you. All the psychologists and counselors and step-programs and that kind of thing.
Easier to control than other people, right? Cause that's pretty well impossible.
Are we easier to control than our hormones, though?!!
If you have the magic ticket, one that doesn't require drastic medical interventions, then do share. There are plenty of us--female AND (I'm guessing) male (casualties and tennis balls themselves) who I'm sure would like in on the secret. Unless you'd prefer we kept things zany by bouncing around wildly on the courts. If that's the case, you're welcome.
It's like I'm two different people, and I've been warned it only gets worse with age.
"Mama, you 39?"
"Yes, Hosea, THIRty nine...not FORty nine."
"I know, FOR(3)ty nine!"
And maybe during this oft-repeated-conversation I'll be completely irritated and exasperated that he's interrupted me again with this question, or maybe I'll be kind of dismissive like I'm really in the middle of DOING something so why THIS question right NOW, or maybe I'll think the question is just so incredibly sweet and it'll make me think of how innocent and tender the whole interaction is and how oh I wish he could just stay this age forever and how oh no he won't and neither will I and how oh no someday I'll miss these kind of moments and how oh no someday he'll be old and grown up and 39 himself (whoops did I just say 39 is "old"??!) and maybe he won't even call me and oh no someday I'll be DEAD and the whole thing won't matter at all and so then I'll cry the tears of
allllllllll the sadness.
You get the point, I'm sure.
It only gets worse with age, people. Or so I've been told.
He said that to me tonight, and it didn't make me want to cry. I simply thought it was a sweet and interesting thing to say, and it led to more conversation, which was nice. That's about it.
You know, it does get worse with age.
And maybe we also become more self aware with age.
Because oh wow am I aware of this aspect of myself! I'm two people! (How many are you?)
When I was a teenager I had moments of this realization. I had this boyfriend who I ended up being with for several years, but in the beginning I broke up with him three times! And after the third time I noticed there was a hormonal (i.e. cyclical) correlation to these break ups. So see, I was even a bit self aware back then. And the hormones!
But it's getting worse with age, the hormone thing!
Please don't even think it's just some convenient excuse. It's real.
And how can it be controlled?
Well like anything wild and out of reach, we probably can't control it, so being self aware can at least stop it from completely controlling us.
I'll tell you what happens. And I could plot it out on a calendar, predict it!
First, I'm all mush and sensitivity and love and sentimentality and tears and affection. For a few days.
Then, I'm kind of needy and insecure and maybe a little down and ho hum. For a few days.
And then there's a turn. A twitch I feel.
I become more of a go-getter, more fiesty, more complainy, more assertive, more confident, more easily enraged, more industrious and nesty.
And then I become the opposite of the First. This is when I become distant and irritable and incredibly judgy and controlly (which is saying something because I'm kind of that way at all stages) and "don't-touch-me" and extra independent.
And...repeat every 30 days.
That's how it goes.
And it only gets worse with age, they say!
There are certain topics that I waffle around about, in my mind, the kind of personal ones I *might* not share with just anyone. And my feelings on those topics are like a tennis ball that goes from one side of the court to the COMPLETE OPPOSITE within that 30 day period. Every 30 day period.
How am I to make decisions?
Who is the "real" me?
I am afraid of this "it only gets worse with age" thing. Don't we all kind of want to escape ourselves anyway? I mean, it is we ourselves that is the hardest thing to escape.
But...we ourselves are apparently the easiest thing to control. At least, that's what all the books will tell you. All the psychologists and counselors and step-programs and that kind of thing.
Easier to control than other people, right? Cause that's pretty well impossible.
Are we easier to control than our hormones, though?!!
If you have the magic ticket, one that doesn't require drastic medical interventions, then do share. There are plenty of us--female AND (I'm guessing) male (casualties and tennis balls themselves) who I'm sure would like in on the secret. Unless you'd prefer we kept things zany by bouncing around wildly on the courts. If that's the case, you're welcome.
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