What's in a Decade
If we're lucky, we get many of these. Decades of them!
This week a special decade passed for me: that of being a parent for a decade, as some of you might already be aware of. What's so significant, really? I mean, time passes. Sometimes 5 years has it's meaning, sometimes 1 year, sometimes 30 days, sometimes nearly 70 years--marriage, parenthood, living in the same place. Maybe they're really just arbitrary. These decades. Time marches on in it's way. But...there's something about the passing of the seasons. That whole "sunrise, sunset" thing (you know the song? apparently my grandma sang it for my mom at her high school graduation or something like that! oh...someday I'll have to write about that, and her...we were, and are, on the same wavelength).
What's in a decade though?
Think about it. What's in your last decade? Wherever the marker starts?
A LOT of things! Hopefully some constancy. Hopefully some change. Hopefully some conflict, some growth, some drama, some peace, some newness, some sameness.
All this thinking of decades has had me wanting to peruse them. You guessed it!
We start out, that first decade. What happens?
Ohhhhhh lots of stuff we probably can't remember, but that often determines so much about ourselves. We experience love for the first time. Hopefully.
Attachment. Hopefully.
We learn to trust. Hopefully.
We explore! The world is so new!
We move from risk to risk, and become more cautious along the way. Make friends, start to figure out what we're good at. Watch and learn from those around us. We get hurt and we learn things that we probably would've rather not had to learn.
But usually we have to learn those things. Usually.
Think of the significant milestones in that first decade.
For me it's mostly the good things I remember: friends, playing outside, family, teachers, dancing, singing, some crushes. I remember this one boy, Joel, who brought over a Valentine for me--to my house! And we didn't even go to the same school anymore. I felt so special, and kind of sad at the same time. Realizing the bigness of it, but that it had to stay small. Because we were small. But it was so nice, and I think I never saw him again. The memory, though!
That second decade. What happens?
More crushes I think! Probably more ups and downs with friends. With more awareness comes wisdom, but also more pain. Maybe we realize our parents aren't exactly the heroes we thought they were? Our teachers neither? If we ever thought so in the first place. Maybe we realize those people we thought we could trust are just people, and will let us down. Things we might've thought we were good at we realize others are good at too--maybe even better than us! We have to try harder. Or we give up, or change paths, or get bitter.
It all depends, doesn't it? So much of it depends on what happened before.
But not all of that has to be determined by what happened before. That is the trick.
For me it's a mix of good and difficult things I remember, from that second decade.
More singing and dancing. But more awareness there, more self consciousness, less wild and playful abandonment, and more measured and controlled habit, routine. More friends, closer friendships.
Not just DOING things together, but more talking, sharing...and ruminating! More comparing.
Just at the beginning of my second decade I experienced one of the most painful things in my life: moving. I've told this story many times, because it had such an impact on me. We had lived in a humble little suburb, just north of Seattle, for a few years. And my sister and I had such good friends there. But my dad got a new job, and he wanted to follow his calling. So one day my parents told us we were moving to Olympia. My sister and I cried and cried, and we tried to do everything we thought was in our power to stop the move from happening! We put notes up in all places in our home: our parents' shower, their bed, in the kitchen sink, in the garage, everywhere! The notes said things like, "We won't move!" and each note had its own reason why.
Not surprisingly, it didn't work, and now I realize how guilty and awful it must've made our parents feel.
The day we moved we spent a long time saying tearful goodbyes to all our neighbourhood friends. Friends we had played will till all hours of the night! We had trampolined with, played manhunt with, had first crushes with, had bike and running races with, learned about other ways to be in a family with, bonded with over movies and music and barbies and walking to and from school. Finally the time came for us to leave. But as we drove away that November day we realized we'd left our bags of Halloween candy on the sidewalk! So our dad turned the car around and we went back to get it. All the kids ran toward our car! Thought maybe we'd changed our minds!
That was significantly painful. We'd go back for visits, but of course it was never the same.
I will always be thankful for that time, though, those friends, those experiences...
Other significantly painful things from that second decade? (Why is it those painful things that sometimes come to mind more easily than the easy things? I'm sure that is true for many of us. And these are the stories we think of the most often.)
But of course! That second decade has the other kind of heartbreak, the kind that comes with first loves! How about for you?
I had one such heartbreak, that second decade. And I had never felt that kind of pain before. The kind you think might never go away! The kind where the cloud hangs over you, follows you around, and you wonder why/how people can actually be smiling and enjoying life! Maybe you wander, get into trouble, try to numb it, get a little lost.
But it passes, doesn't it?
And hopefully we learn that, in the second decade.
Oooooh that third decade. Adulthood?! What happens?
Moving out on our own by now, if not in that second decade.
More autonomy, more wandering, back to those risks maybe, maybe less so than in that second decade though...or maybe more...it depends, doesn't it?
Some of us might get married, partner up, pursue a calling--or not.
Some of us might feel lost and searching and scared and alone and hopeless. Or maybe we always felt that way?
Some of us might feel ready and capable and driven to get whatever we've been working towards. Some of us might just fall into things, and take them as they come. For better or worse!
That decade for me began with my parents divorcing after nearly 25 years together. It also began with another heartbreak, worse than the one before. These significant things come in pairs, or trios, or worse, sometimes. Someone pleaded with me, or whoever, recently, "Gratuitous suffering. I can't take much more of this." Yes, sometimes it feels that way, doesn't it? I can't say that particular time was completely that for me, but I'm sure there were times I threw my hands up in the air incredulously! I remember a summer of the worse sadness and depression I'd ever had. Absolutely hopeless, at once feeling too much and nothing at all.
But it passed. Just like it always does (if we're lucky).
Then marriage! New hope. New life. New friends. Career. Calling. The meshing of a family.
So much hope.
We might feel like it's now all laid out before us! We can see it so clearly, what we've always been waiting for!
And at the end of that third decade, for me, I became a parent.
And that fourth decade, it's nearly coming to a close for me. What happens?
(Wait, noooooooo I have a few more months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Ok, but yes, it's nearing its conclusion.
A tumultuous decade full of many surprises! Not how I expected it to be. But really, isn't that how it always is? Wouldn't life be boring if it turned out always how we expected it to be? I think so.
How about you? That fourth decade? Or that decade you are in now? Is it how you thought it would be? What has life thrown at you? What has life gifted you? What has life slid onto your table? What have you rejected or embraced? What have you fought with or conquered? What have you done that has surprised you? What have you learned?
Well here I am, asking all these profound questions. Because this decade of parenting has been profound. And on the day of it I did speak to Matthew, who is on this same parenting timeline as me. "Happy 10 years of parenting," I said. After all, we entered that journey together. And parted ways at a sneaky and forceful--and hopeful--fork in the rode. "Yeah, you too. It's weird, ha?" He sounded a little wistful. Just like I was feeling. But we acknowledged it, and it felt good.
I became a parent 3 times over in this last decade. I'd hoped maybe for 4 times over, but it's ok. Becoming a parents wears you down, doesn't it? It makes you question, like never before, who you are, how your life is, it stirs that pot, it brings things out, it might strengthen you--while at the same time it wears you down. Maybe breaks you, or gets you close enough! Only to come back up the next day, because you have to. That's life sometimes.
Just like friendship, family, career, marriage, partnership.
It all depends, though, if we can come back up, or how much of us can come back up!
Or how quickly.
This last decade threw more surprises my way than I could've ever imagined!
But the more we live, maybe the less surprised we are?
As Simon always tells Hosea, on his bottle collecting adventures, when he sees a bottle that he just can't reach, and he feels frustrated and determined and helpless all at once, Simon will say, "There's always another bottle around the corner."
There's always another bottle around the corner.
And there always is.
This last decade brought with it so much change.
How about yours? How about your first decade of parenting, or marriage, or life on your own? How about that year? That 30 days? Those 3 years?
Whatever it is.
But there's something special about a decade.
I never thought I'd be here right now, as I write this, three kids who I birthed, who I raise, not with me! But, as I've mentioned before, even though that can be very sad if dwelled on, it is also a blessing.
I got to sing my heart out for 4 hours this morning at band practice! That is something I never would've thought I'd be doing a decade ago.
How did I get here? Lots of pain, lots of soul searching, lots of tough decisions--some good-some terrible, lots of work.
I never thought I'd end up dating again in my fourth decade! As a parent. Re-entering the teenage angst and heartbreak and all that. I must say, though, that dating in my fourth decade was much more fun than at any other time. With more confidence, more wisdom, more appreciation. And no, I would not like to back to either of those parts of those decades, though! (But I do feel another blog post coming on...!)
I never thought I'd be here, sitting side by side with this someone I stumbled across on the bike path, working side by side--he on his music, me on my writing, with this peaceful sun beaming through the windows at us. Ready for a quiet night, refreshed and content.
...No, it's not always like that! It's life, people...
But when it is, we need to hold onto it. Appreciate it, acknowledge it.
.........................................................................................
See the things we learn in a decade?
Do I sound like a mother here? A mama? A "Maaaaaa-ma"? (Rhyme that with "Jam-ma" ok? That's the hilarious way 2 of my 3 like to say my name these days. In fact, it's my eldest--who just turned a decade--who came of with the craziness. "Maaaaaa-ma!" she'll say, with her big eyes twinkling in amusement at herself. And yes, I love it.)
Well......if I sound like a mother here it's because I AM one.
I'm a Maaaaaa-ma. Remember?
For a decade now.
And that feels pretty great.
This week a special decade passed for me: that of being a parent for a decade, as some of you might already be aware of. What's so significant, really? I mean, time passes. Sometimes 5 years has it's meaning, sometimes 1 year, sometimes 30 days, sometimes nearly 70 years--marriage, parenthood, living in the same place. Maybe they're really just arbitrary. These decades. Time marches on in it's way. But...there's something about the passing of the seasons. That whole "sunrise, sunset" thing (you know the song? apparently my grandma sang it for my mom at her high school graduation or something like that! oh...someday I'll have to write about that, and her...we were, and are, on the same wavelength).
What's in a decade though?
Think about it. What's in your last decade? Wherever the marker starts?
A LOT of things! Hopefully some constancy. Hopefully some change. Hopefully some conflict, some growth, some drama, some peace, some newness, some sameness.
All this thinking of decades has had me wanting to peruse them. You guessed it!
We start out, that first decade. What happens?
Ohhhhhh lots of stuff we probably can't remember, but that often determines so much about ourselves. We experience love for the first time. Hopefully.
Attachment. Hopefully.
We learn to trust. Hopefully.
We explore! The world is so new!
We move from risk to risk, and become more cautious along the way. Make friends, start to figure out what we're good at. Watch and learn from those around us. We get hurt and we learn things that we probably would've rather not had to learn.
But usually we have to learn those things. Usually.
Think of the significant milestones in that first decade.
For me it's mostly the good things I remember: friends, playing outside, family, teachers, dancing, singing, some crushes. I remember this one boy, Joel, who brought over a Valentine for me--to my house! And we didn't even go to the same school anymore. I felt so special, and kind of sad at the same time. Realizing the bigness of it, but that it had to stay small. Because we were small. But it was so nice, and I think I never saw him again. The memory, though!
That second decade. What happens?
More crushes I think! Probably more ups and downs with friends. With more awareness comes wisdom, but also more pain. Maybe we realize our parents aren't exactly the heroes we thought they were? Our teachers neither? If we ever thought so in the first place. Maybe we realize those people we thought we could trust are just people, and will let us down. Things we might've thought we were good at we realize others are good at too--maybe even better than us! We have to try harder. Or we give up, or change paths, or get bitter.
It all depends, doesn't it? So much of it depends on what happened before.
But not all of that has to be determined by what happened before. That is the trick.
For me it's a mix of good and difficult things I remember, from that second decade.
More singing and dancing. But more awareness there, more self consciousness, less wild and playful abandonment, and more measured and controlled habit, routine. More friends, closer friendships.
Not just DOING things together, but more talking, sharing...and ruminating! More comparing.
Just at the beginning of my second decade I experienced one of the most painful things in my life: moving. I've told this story many times, because it had such an impact on me. We had lived in a humble little suburb, just north of Seattle, for a few years. And my sister and I had such good friends there. But my dad got a new job, and he wanted to follow his calling. So one day my parents told us we were moving to Olympia. My sister and I cried and cried, and we tried to do everything we thought was in our power to stop the move from happening! We put notes up in all places in our home: our parents' shower, their bed, in the kitchen sink, in the garage, everywhere! The notes said things like, "We won't move!" and each note had its own reason why.
Not surprisingly, it didn't work, and now I realize how guilty and awful it must've made our parents feel.
The day we moved we spent a long time saying tearful goodbyes to all our neighbourhood friends. Friends we had played will till all hours of the night! We had trampolined with, played manhunt with, had first crushes with, had bike and running races with, learned about other ways to be in a family with, bonded with over movies and music and barbies and walking to and from school. Finally the time came for us to leave. But as we drove away that November day we realized we'd left our bags of Halloween candy on the sidewalk! So our dad turned the car around and we went back to get it. All the kids ran toward our car! Thought maybe we'd changed our minds!
That was significantly painful. We'd go back for visits, but of course it was never the same.
I will always be thankful for that time, though, those friends, those experiences...
Other significantly painful things from that second decade? (Why is it those painful things that sometimes come to mind more easily than the easy things? I'm sure that is true for many of us. And these are the stories we think of the most often.)
But of course! That second decade has the other kind of heartbreak, the kind that comes with first loves! How about for you?
I had one such heartbreak, that second decade. And I had never felt that kind of pain before. The kind you think might never go away! The kind where the cloud hangs over you, follows you around, and you wonder why/how people can actually be smiling and enjoying life! Maybe you wander, get into trouble, try to numb it, get a little lost.
But it passes, doesn't it?
And hopefully we learn that, in the second decade.
Oooooh that third decade. Adulthood?! What happens?
Moving out on our own by now, if not in that second decade.
More autonomy, more wandering, back to those risks maybe, maybe less so than in that second decade though...or maybe more...it depends, doesn't it?
Some of us might get married, partner up, pursue a calling--or not.
Some of us might feel lost and searching and scared and alone and hopeless. Or maybe we always felt that way?
Some of us might feel ready and capable and driven to get whatever we've been working towards. Some of us might just fall into things, and take them as they come. For better or worse!
That decade for me began with my parents divorcing after nearly 25 years together. It also began with another heartbreak, worse than the one before. These significant things come in pairs, or trios, or worse, sometimes. Someone pleaded with me, or whoever, recently, "Gratuitous suffering. I can't take much more of this." Yes, sometimes it feels that way, doesn't it? I can't say that particular time was completely that for me, but I'm sure there were times I threw my hands up in the air incredulously! I remember a summer of the worse sadness and depression I'd ever had. Absolutely hopeless, at once feeling too much and nothing at all.
But it passed. Just like it always does (if we're lucky).
Then marriage! New hope. New life. New friends. Career. Calling. The meshing of a family.
So much hope.
We might feel like it's now all laid out before us! We can see it so clearly, what we've always been waiting for!
And at the end of that third decade, for me, I became a parent.
And that fourth decade, it's nearly coming to a close for me. What happens?
(Wait, noooooooo I have a few more months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Ok, but yes, it's nearing its conclusion.
A tumultuous decade full of many surprises! Not how I expected it to be. But really, isn't that how it always is? Wouldn't life be boring if it turned out always how we expected it to be? I think so.
How about you? That fourth decade? Or that decade you are in now? Is it how you thought it would be? What has life thrown at you? What has life gifted you? What has life slid onto your table? What have you rejected or embraced? What have you fought with or conquered? What have you done that has surprised you? What have you learned?
Well here I am, asking all these profound questions. Because this decade of parenting has been profound. And on the day of it I did speak to Matthew, who is on this same parenting timeline as me. "Happy 10 years of parenting," I said. After all, we entered that journey together. And parted ways at a sneaky and forceful--and hopeful--fork in the rode. "Yeah, you too. It's weird, ha?" He sounded a little wistful. Just like I was feeling. But we acknowledged it, and it felt good.
I became a parent 3 times over in this last decade. I'd hoped maybe for 4 times over, but it's ok. Becoming a parents wears you down, doesn't it? It makes you question, like never before, who you are, how your life is, it stirs that pot, it brings things out, it might strengthen you--while at the same time it wears you down. Maybe breaks you, or gets you close enough! Only to come back up the next day, because you have to. That's life sometimes.
Just like friendship, family, career, marriage, partnership.
It all depends, though, if we can come back up, or how much of us can come back up!
Or how quickly.
This last decade threw more surprises my way than I could've ever imagined!
But the more we live, maybe the less surprised we are?
As Simon always tells Hosea, on his bottle collecting adventures, when he sees a bottle that he just can't reach, and he feels frustrated and determined and helpless all at once, Simon will say, "There's always another bottle around the corner."
There's always another bottle around the corner.
And there always is.
This last decade brought with it so much change.
How about yours? How about your first decade of parenting, or marriage, or life on your own? How about that year? That 30 days? Those 3 years?
Whatever it is.
But there's something special about a decade.
I never thought I'd be here right now, as I write this, three kids who I birthed, who I raise, not with me! But, as I've mentioned before, even though that can be very sad if dwelled on, it is also a blessing.
I got to sing my heart out for 4 hours this morning at band practice! That is something I never would've thought I'd be doing a decade ago.
How did I get here? Lots of pain, lots of soul searching, lots of tough decisions--some good-some terrible, lots of work.
I never thought I'd end up dating again in my fourth decade! As a parent. Re-entering the teenage angst and heartbreak and all that. I must say, though, that dating in my fourth decade was much more fun than at any other time. With more confidence, more wisdom, more appreciation. And no, I would not like to back to either of those parts of those decades, though! (But I do feel another blog post coming on...!)
I never thought I'd be here, sitting side by side with this someone I stumbled across on the bike path, working side by side--he on his music, me on my writing, with this peaceful sun beaming through the windows at us. Ready for a quiet night, refreshed and content.
...No, it's not always like that! It's life, people...
But when it is, we need to hold onto it. Appreciate it, acknowledge it.
.........................................................................................
See the things we learn in a decade?
Do I sound like a mother here? A mama? A "Maaaaaa-ma"? (Rhyme that with "Jam-ma" ok? That's the hilarious way 2 of my 3 like to say my name these days. In fact, it's my eldest--who just turned a decade--who came of with the craziness. "Maaaaaa-ma!" she'll say, with her big eyes twinkling in amusement at herself. And yes, I love it.)
Well......if I sound like a mother here it's because I AM one.
I'm a Maaaaaa-ma. Remember?
For a decade now.
And that feels pretty great.
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