Near Death Experience
Could this be it?
I sit in the back of the taxi, winding the roads, aware of nothing but a numbness
Because feeling would be too much
Could this be it?
Death by complications from a cavity
Death by dentist
Not very glamourous
Could this be it?
Is this what it feels like? Going?
Panic and peace at the same time?
Well I guess I don't know...yet
Because I'm still here
...............................................................................................................................
"There's a little something on there, we just want to take a better look at it."
Is that really what she's saying?
Not, "Everything looks fine. Nothing to worry about!"
Because, well, that's what I'd expected.
"There's a little something on there, we just want to take a better look at it."
Don't think about all that too much, Megan.
Push it aside.
Stick with that second option, even if it's not what she said.
Because she'll say it next time.
After they have a better look at it.
After I've waited.
And waited.
"This is what happens, as you get older" my mom tells me, "Oh it's so much fun isn't it?!"
she says. The edge of her worried tone a little softer with the sarcasm.
It puts me more at ease.
But mostly, I just try not to think about it.
Because, well, death by dentist was a little more pressing, and I survived that.
One thing at a time.
Think of the children! The sweetness!
(But no, not in that way, because that's too painful.) Just think of the children. The sweetness.
All the sweetness of the here and now.
The waiting will always be there.
Dentist. Taxi cab. ER. Doctors, nurses, blood work, ultrasounds. Whatever else.
The waiting.
What's next?
I've been wondering this a lot lately, as I've settled back into the domesticity of near-married-with-children-life. Oh it's comforting, that. And it's also why I haven't written, or sung, as much as I used to. That all filled a hole that needed nourishment. And now I'm nesting again. It's just, this time, I won't forget myself as I nest. Because I know how much I missed myself before. And we only get one chance at this life. Or at least of this lifetime. Or at least in this universe. You see I watched the new Spider-man tonight and thought to myself, "Well what ABOUT parallel universes?" What about them?
Maybe there's another me right now.
Is she waiting on the same things? Or just waiting too?
And enjoying the sweetness of her here and now.
........................................................................................................................
All I could see was the ceiling, as they wheeled me around.
People had said, "You will feel like you are going to die." "...Whatever THAT feels like," I thought.
"I feel like I'm going to die," I thought.
All I could see was the ceiling.
So much rushing around me, and I can't do anything but lie there, paralyzed with anaesthetic.
Someone must've anaesthetized my thoughts too.
Thank God.
Because I would hate to know what they'd have been like on nothing.
......................................................................................................................
1) I had an allergic reaction to my antibiotics (?) after a filling. No one is certain, though, of the certain cause. And now I have an epi-pen, just in case. So that at night I can now wonder if my lips and tongue are swelling, and if my throat is feeling like it's closing up again (!) more safely, because I can stab myself in the thigh if they really are.
2) So I also have been thinking about the appointment I had, and the other appointment I'm waiting for. If you don't hear much more from me on this topic I'm probably fine. Try not to worry, because that's what I do too, and I hate it when people worry about me!
3) Thank God for modern medicine. If it weren't for that I probably would've died 10 years ago trying to give birth to my nearly 10 pound first born who didn't really want to come out in the first place. Modern medicine might not be perfect, but it's saved me before, and recently, and I'm sure it will do so a few more times while I wait and enjoy the sweetness of the here and now. I hope you're doing your best to enjoy it too.
I sit in the back of the taxi, winding the roads, aware of nothing but a numbness
Because feeling would be too much
Could this be it?
Death by complications from a cavity
Death by dentist
Not very glamourous
Could this be it?
Is this what it feels like? Going?
Panic and peace at the same time?
Well I guess I don't know...yet
Because I'm still here
...............................................................................................................................
"There's a little something on there, we just want to take a better look at it."
Is that really what she's saying?
Not, "Everything looks fine. Nothing to worry about!"
Because, well, that's what I'd expected.
"There's a little something on there, we just want to take a better look at it."
Don't think about all that too much, Megan.
Push it aside.
Stick with that second option, even if it's not what she said.
Because she'll say it next time.
After they have a better look at it.
After I've waited.
And waited.
"This is what happens, as you get older" my mom tells me, "Oh it's so much fun isn't it?!"
she says. The edge of her worried tone a little softer with the sarcasm.
It puts me more at ease.
But mostly, I just try not to think about it.
Because, well, death by dentist was a little more pressing, and I survived that.
One thing at a time.
Think of the children! The sweetness!
(But no, not in that way, because that's too painful.) Just think of the children. The sweetness.
All the sweetness of the here and now.
The waiting will always be there.
Dentist. Taxi cab. ER. Doctors, nurses, blood work, ultrasounds. Whatever else.
The waiting.
What's next?
I've been wondering this a lot lately, as I've settled back into the domesticity of near-married-with-children-life. Oh it's comforting, that. And it's also why I haven't written, or sung, as much as I used to. That all filled a hole that needed nourishment. And now I'm nesting again. It's just, this time, I won't forget myself as I nest. Because I know how much I missed myself before. And we only get one chance at this life. Or at least of this lifetime. Or at least in this universe. You see I watched the new Spider-man tonight and thought to myself, "Well what ABOUT parallel universes?" What about them?
Maybe there's another me right now.
Is she waiting on the same things? Or just waiting too?
And enjoying the sweetness of her here and now.
........................................................................................................................
All I could see was the ceiling, as they wheeled me around.
People had said, "You will feel like you are going to die." "...Whatever THAT feels like," I thought.
"I feel like I'm going to die," I thought.
All I could see was the ceiling.
So much rushing around me, and I can't do anything but lie there, paralyzed with anaesthetic.
Someone must've anaesthetized my thoughts too.
Thank God.
Because I would hate to know what they'd have been like on nothing.
......................................................................................................................
1) I had an allergic reaction to my antibiotics (?) after a filling. No one is certain, though, of the certain cause. And now I have an epi-pen, just in case. So that at night I can now wonder if my lips and tongue are swelling, and if my throat is feeling like it's closing up again (!) more safely, because I can stab myself in the thigh if they really are.
2) So I also have been thinking about the appointment I had, and the other appointment I'm waiting for. If you don't hear much more from me on this topic I'm probably fine. Try not to worry, because that's what I do too, and I hate it when people worry about me!
3) Thank God for modern medicine. If it weren't for that I probably would've died 10 years ago trying to give birth to my nearly 10 pound first born who didn't really want to come out in the first place. Modern medicine might not be perfect, but it's saved me before, and recently, and I'm sure it will do so a few more times while I wait and enjoy the sweetness of the here and now. I hope you're doing your best to enjoy it too.
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