Between Two Worlds: The Glorious and the Agonizing
Let's remember: we're all just trying here. It's the real deal, but we don't really get a dress rehearsal.
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Well, this won't necessarily be all I have to say about this topic, and I didn't intend to title it as such, but it just came out. I remember Matthew had a book with a similar title, something like Between Two Worlds: Children of Divorce. It had a kind of ominous presence.
I teach Early Childhood Education--in case you didn't know--to adults who want to work with young children. I have to teach things like child development, guiding and caring, art, music, health and safety, all that type of thing. There's this one textbook I have to use that has this very specific section all about the "myths" of divorce. I have to make sure and cover it, because it's on the exam. I didn't write the exam, it's a standardized program. If I had written the exam I probably wouldn't incorporate those "myths" on there. In fact, I probably wouldn't have chosen that particular textbook in the first place.
So anyway, I have to stand there and talk about how bad divorce is for children, according to this book. I have to talk about how there are all these myths in our society about how divorce isn't allllllllll bad, and I have to emphasize that these are just myths--untrue things we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better about the high rate of divorce these days......I have to essentially say that divorce is bad for children.
This--when my students all know I'm a divorced woman with children!
Needless to say, it's pretty weird.
And I start to feel defensive, or guilty, or hypocritical.
I guess that comes with the territory.
You see, when I contemplated divorce of course I thought a lot about myself...but much more than that I thought about my children. What did I want to role model for them? How did I want them growing up? Which path would be best? How might my choices effect them in the short term? In the long term? But, overall, I always came back to the question of what did I want to role model for them?! When I contemplated divorce I didn't think about the inevitable split-time-parenting. I'd never been through all this before! My parents split up, but I'd moved out by then. I didn't think about the new time I'd have on my hands, I didn't think about the time I would miss them terribly, I didn't think about the new people and family they might get in their lives. I could only look so far.
Sometimes I think married-with-children people are jealous of me. Not that they want my life, or they're unhappy in their relationships or anything like that, but just they see I get this chunk of time to myself every week. "What are you going to do this weekend?" they'll ask, "Any big plans?", or "It must be so nice to get that break from the kids," or they'll forgetfully invite me and the kids to something that we won't be able to make, because the kids won't be with me, so I'll have to explain, and then all those other questions will come up again. Probably it's nothing to them, and my perception makes it bigger than it is. But...I'll admit! Three glorious nights a week! The time to myself is refreshing! It's fantastic to get to "date" someone, to get to order take out and lounge around and not clean up after ourselves because there's no one else around, to get to sleep-in sometimes, to not have to get a sitter if we want to go out, to get peace and quiet to pursue hobbies, to feel like I did before I ever had kids! If you have kids, well, do you remember that feeling?!
For one thing, you're much less needed...
There are also drawbacks, for one thing, yes(!) you're much less needed! And, depending on the type of person you are this could create a void, or feel shocking on a regular basis. I'm not sure the seemingly "jealous" people are thinking of those things. I never thought of how much I would miss my kids, in this split-time-parenting. Three agonizing nights of wondering! What are they up to?...Are they ok? And of thinking how much I miss their little voices, their stories, their presence here. And of how incredibly alone I can feel.
But those thoughts are the thoughts I have to shush.
Because there is nothing that can really be done about those things. You know how that goes.
So I try to acknowledge the downside, but focus on the positive. You know how that goes.
At least, I hope you do!
One positive is that every week I re-appreciate them when they return! With all my heart!
Greta, all hugs and big eyes in her looming tweeny-ness.
Therese, coming back in an amazing outfit with her pink pleather jacket on!
Hosea, with a bag full of money from can collecting, and dried snot all over his face.
And I know they have an extra brother and an extra mom-type figure around, and I know they have a papa who loves them with all his heart, and I know they have me--their mama who loves them with all her heart, and they have an extra dad-type figure too. Their little village.
It might not be perfect!
But it isn't allllllllll bad.
It's a myth(!) that those "myths" are just myths.
But I can't say that in class.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, this won't necessarily be all I have to say about this topic, and I didn't intend to title it as such, but it just came out. I remember Matthew had a book with a similar title, something like Between Two Worlds: Children of Divorce. It had a kind of ominous presence.
I teach Early Childhood Education--in case you didn't know--to adults who want to work with young children. I have to teach things like child development, guiding and caring, art, music, health and safety, all that type of thing. There's this one textbook I have to use that has this very specific section all about the "myths" of divorce. I have to make sure and cover it, because it's on the exam. I didn't write the exam, it's a standardized program. If I had written the exam I probably wouldn't incorporate those "myths" on there. In fact, I probably wouldn't have chosen that particular textbook in the first place.
So anyway, I have to stand there and talk about how bad divorce is for children, according to this book. I have to talk about how there are all these myths in our society about how divorce isn't allllllllll bad, and I have to emphasize that these are just myths--untrue things we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better about the high rate of divorce these days......I have to essentially say that divorce is bad for children.
This--when my students all know I'm a divorced woman with children!
Needless to say, it's pretty weird.
And I start to feel defensive, or guilty, or hypocritical.
I guess that comes with the territory.
You see, when I contemplated divorce of course I thought a lot about myself...but much more than that I thought about my children. What did I want to role model for them? How did I want them growing up? Which path would be best? How might my choices effect them in the short term? In the long term? But, overall, I always came back to the question of what did I want to role model for them?! When I contemplated divorce I didn't think about the inevitable split-time-parenting. I'd never been through all this before! My parents split up, but I'd moved out by then. I didn't think about the new time I'd have on my hands, I didn't think about the time I would miss them terribly, I didn't think about the new people and family they might get in their lives. I could only look so far.
Sometimes I think married-with-children people are jealous of me. Not that they want my life, or they're unhappy in their relationships or anything like that, but just they see I get this chunk of time to myself every week. "What are you going to do this weekend?" they'll ask, "Any big plans?", or "It must be so nice to get that break from the kids," or they'll forgetfully invite me and the kids to something that we won't be able to make, because the kids won't be with me, so I'll have to explain, and then all those other questions will come up again. Probably it's nothing to them, and my perception makes it bigger than it is. But...I'll admit! Three glorious nights a week! The time to myself is refreshing! It's fantastic to get to "date" someone, to get to order take out and lounge around and not clean up after ourselves because there's no one else around, to get to sleep-in sometimes, to not have to get a sitter if we want to go out, to get peace and quiet to pursue hobbies, to feel like I did before I ever had kids! If you have kids, well, do you remember that feeling?!
For one thing, you're much less needed...
There are also drawbacks, for one thing, yes(!) you're much less needed! And, depending on the type of person you are this could create a void, or feel shocking on a regular basis. I'm not sure the seemingly "jealous" people are thinking of those things. I never thought of how much I would miss my kids, in this split-time-parenting. Three agonizing nights of wondering! What are they up to?...Are they ok? And of thinking how much I miss their little voices, their stories, their presence here. And of how incredibly alone I can feel.
But those thoughts are the thoughts I have to shush.
Because there is nothing that can really be done about those things. You know how that goes.
So I try to acknowledge the downside, but focus on the positive. You know how that goes.
At least, I hope you do!
One positive is that every week I re-appreciate them when they return! With all my heart!
Greta, all hugs and big eyes in her looming tweeny-ness.
Therese, coming back in an amazing outfit with her pink pleather jacket on!
Hosea, with a bag full of money from can collecting, and dried snot all over his face.
And I know they have an extra brother and an extra mom-type figure around, and I know they have a papa who loves them with all his heart, and I know they have me--their mama who loves them with all her heart, and they have an extra dad-type figure too. Their little village.
It might not be perfect!
But it isn't allllllllll bad.
It's a myth(!) that those "myths" are just myths.
But I can't say that in class.
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