Healing Habits
When the new year arrived, I had this very vivid thought, riding my bike home from band practice with my man. I'm sure we all have these reflective thoughts around that new year time...as we consider the cycle of things that had happened prior, what it all might've meant, how we feel about it, what might happen in the cycle that looms ahead.
Anyway, I was on my bike talking with my man about what I wanted to do next, with music and with writing, and it dawned on me that I'd really done the tried and true thing of using creative outlets to heal! Ok...so I don't think we're ever fully healed from anything, but insofar as rising above the hurt, I had done that. And I credit the creative outlets more than anything else.
Thinking back to 2018 especially, I had taken karaoke-ing to a new level. I went weekly, or more! Then I turned it into a channel, then I got brave and posted things elsewhere, got braver still and tried out for a couple music things, joined a band...and as I was riding with my man having this vivid thought and we were talking more and more about doing covers together and all that...well I thought--wow! It's almost like a certain aspect of that creative outlet had come full circle. And I was looking back on it now and smiling, so grateful.
The other thing is, as many of you know, I spent a lot of time writing in 2018. Not an over-sharer, in terms of details (that's up for debate I'm sure...), but in terms of words(!) on Facebook. (I also wrote a lot of short stories, based on my experiences--but I'd have to change many names and be an old lady before I ever made those public!) Facebook was a great place for me to reflect, connect with others, feel less alone, share in the human experience, try to be real in a place where people might not always be real, take that moment or that thing I was pondering or hurting over and put it out there, lighten the load on my heavy heart, give it more words. Many people suggested I start a blog. But I wasn't ready. I wanted to keep it there, in that way, because that was the route I'd taken for healing, and I didn't want to pre-maturely end it.
It's funny how those two things, the singing and the writing, turned from creative and (mostly) emotional outlets into something else. I'm not saying I don't need them as outlets anymore, and I'm not saying I don't do them still to keep me sane and healthy, but they are less a compulsion and more-so simply a habit now. Less a compulsion to GET SOMETHING OUT(!!!) and more just a thing I calmly do, and have a rhythm with. Instead of them shouting at me loudly, or shoving me to join them, they just tap me on the shoulder or whisper quietly. And no, not in a creepy way ;-) just in a peaceful way. Because they know I will listen. They trust me, and I trust them.
I'd often seen in others the way in which they might've needed to let these creative outlets OUT, and what would happen if they didn't. But how amazing it has been to feel like I was just put on this ride, these outlets took me on a ride (or I took them?) up and down and around and over and through and back and forth and over and over! And now the ride has stopped. And I'm much more calm. And...I know I will do it again if I need to.
There is a lot I'd like to say about this topic, but I will leave that for future posts. It will be nice to weave it all in here and there. I have been letting these thoughts seep around in my mind for a few weeks now. I don't know if I have the "perfect" blog post that will completely get them out of my system. Typical of me anyway...I like to leave things less than perfect, because we can always try again better the next time that way, it gives room for growth.
These last few weeks though I've felt a sadness too, along with this health and hope and joy. But I think that's what comes with health and hope and joy, also the sadness and memory that sometimes it really all is fleeting. That bad things still happen. It's hard for me to hold on to the beautiful without thinking of the brutal. I try, though. It's just, when things are so wonderful, they also feel so fragile. Like when your baby is born, and you love her more than anything or anyone you could ever have imagined loving, but that emotion is paired with the sheer terror at the thought that you could someday lose her, or she could lose you. I have that tendency to think those darkest of thoughts even in the happiest of times.
It's just that recently I've heard of too many people I've known passing on from this life. I guess as I'm getting older I'm going to slowly get used to (?) this. But right now I'm finding it very disturbing, maybe in light of my own joy. Just today I realized someone else I know is going through a major loss. I cried for her, for the others affected by it, and for the person who passed. And I cried for myself...knowing I will someday go, others I love will go...what will that be like? Why does that have to happen? I thought to myself...what is even the point? Nothing really fixes any of that.
But then I remembered some of the characters and role models I've always loved. These are people who carry on! Like Anne, in Anne of Green Gables, which I now have the pleasure of reading to my girls. She faces the hard times, acknowledges them, and keeps living. Because what else CAN you do? That's my motto, at least.
So instead of staying covered in the dark thoughts I plunked myself over here at my computer. Decided to write. Before I started, though, I pulled up a song I'd been working on and re-listened to it. I posted it below. I didn't intend my blog for videos, and if you're tired of my singing well just ignore it ;-) ...but I think it's fitting here. It's "Habits"--which was the song I did on the very first video for my channel. This song is full of pain and loss and emotion and I used to sing it so much. Now I sing it in the band, and it's not so raw for me, but it's deeply special still and I want to make sure I really do it justice. The other day I did a run-through at home and video-ed it, just to make sure the strength I had decided to put through in it (compared to my original video) was working.
There. Another example of healing. Because yes, it's working. There is much more strength there, in that version. And that's what we've got to face these pains with: strength.
How can we do that? Well, one way is to make sure you go through the pain. Not around it, not over it, not short-cutting it, not staying "high" or numb to forget about it, but THROUGH IT. Make that a habit. I think that's what I did with the singing and the writing. And it all helped me more than I could've ever imagined.
This blog isn't supposed to be about "oh gee let me tell you what I'm an expert at"..."oh gee let me rant and complain"..."oh gee let me show off"..."oh gee let me write with perfect grammar and punctuation and vocabulary after proof-reading and re-thinking it a bazillion times"...no no no. It's just realness. From me to you. Just like my Facebook posts before, my crazy singing videos too--just some realness, some living, some connecting. It comes easy to me, it feels good to let it out, and I think we should all use our gifts--make that a habit. The kind of habit that will sit by your side, or calmly tap you on the shoulder when things are alright--and when things are rough it'll shake you by the shoulders, grab your hand, take you for a ride, and yell at you to pay attention--and you'll listen :-)
Anyway, I was on my bike talking with my man about what I wanted to do next, with music and with writing, and it dawned on me that I'd really done the tried and true thing of using creative outlets to heal! Ok...so I don't think we're ever fully healed from anything, but insofar as rising above the hurt, I had done that. And I credit the creative outlets more than anything else.
Thinking back to 2018 especially, I had taken karaoke-ing to a new level. I went weekly, or more! Then I turned it into a channel, then I got brave and posted things elsewhere, got braver still and tried out for a couple music things, joined a band...and as I was riding with my man having this vivid thought and we were talking more and more about doing covers together and all that...well I thought--wow! It's almost like a certain aspect of that creative outlet had come full circle. And I was looking back on it now and smiling, so grateful.
The other thing is, as many of you know, I spent a lot of time writing in 2018. Not an over-sharer, in terms of details (that's up for debate I'm sure...), but in terms of words(!) on Facebook. (I also wrote a lot of short stories, based on my experiences--but I'd have to change many names and be an old lady before I ever made those public!) Facebook was a great place for me to reflect, connect with others, feel less alone, share in the human experience, try to be real in a place where people might not always be real, take that moment or that thing I was pondering or hurting over and put it out there, lighten the load on my heavy heart, give it more words. Many people suggested I start a blog. But I wasn't ready. I wanted to keep it there, in that way, because that was the route I'd taken for healing, and I didn't want to pre-maturely end it.
It's funny how those two things, the singing and the writing, turned from creative and (mostly) emotional outlets into something else. I'm not saying I don't need them as outlets anymore, and I'm not saying I don't do them still to keep me sane and healthy, but they are less a compulsion and more-so simply a habit now. Less a compulsion to GET SOMETHING OUT(!!!) and more just a thing I calmly do, and have a rhythm with. Instead of them shouting at me loudly, or shoving me to join them, they just tap me on the shoulder or whisper quietly. And no, not in a creepy way ;-) just in a peaceful way. Because they know I will listen. They trust me, and I trust them.
I'd often seen in others the way in which they might've needed to let these creative outlets OUT, and what would happen if they didn't. But how amazing it has been to feel like I was just put on this ride, these outlets took me on a ride (or I took them?) up and down and around and over and through and back and forth and over and over! And now the ride has stopped. And I'm much more calm. And...I know I will do it again if I need to.
There is a lot I'd like to say about this topic, but I will leave that for future posts. It will be nice to weave it all in here and there. I have been letting these thoughts seep around in my mind for a few weeks now. I don't know if I have the "perfect" blog post that will completely get them out of my system. Typical of me anyway...I like to leave things less than perfect, because we can always try again better the next time that way, it gives room for growth.
These last few weeks though I've felt a sadness too, along with this health and hope and joy. But I think that's what comes with health and hope and joy, also the sadness and memory that sometimes it really all is fleeting. That bad things still happen. It's hard for me to hold on to the beautiful without thinking of the brutal. I try, though. It's just, when things are so wonderful, they also feel so fragile. Like when your baby is born, and you love her more than anything or anyone you could ever have imagined loving, but that emotion is paired with the sheer terror at the thought that you could someday lose her, or she could lose you. I have that tendency to think those darkest of thoughts even in the happiest of times.
It's just that recently I've heard of too many people I've known passing on from this life. I guess as I'm getting older I'm going to slowly get used to (?) this. But right now I'm finding it very disturbing, maybe in light of my own joy. Just today I realized someone else I know is going through a major loss. I cried for her, for the others affected by it, and for the person who passed. And I cried for myself...knowing I will someday go, others I love will go...what will that be like? Why does that have to happen? I thought to myself...what is even the point? Nothing really fixes any of that.
But then I remembered some of the characters and role models I've always loved. These are people who carry on! Like Anne, in Anne of Green Gables, which I now have the pleasure of reading to my girls. She faces the hard times, acknowledges them, and keeps living. Because what else CAN you do? That's my motto, at least.
So instead of staying covered in the dark thoughts I plunked myself over here at my computer. Decided to write. Before I started, though, I pulled up a song I'd been working on and re-listened to it. I posted it below. I didn't intend my blog for videos, and if you're tired of my singing well just ignore it ;-) ...but I think it's fitting here. It's "Habits"--which was the song I did on the very first video for my channel. This song is full of pain and loss and emotion and I used to sing it so much. Now I sing it in the band, and it's not so raw for me, but it's deeply special still and I want to make sure I really do it justice. The other day I did a run-through at home and video-ed it, just to make sure the strength I had decided to put through in it (compared to my original video) was working.
There. Another example of healing. Because yes, it's working. There is much more strength there, in that version. And that's what we've got to face these pains with: strength.
How can we do that? Well, one way is to make sure you go through the pain. Not around it, not over it, not short-cutting it, not staying "high" or numb to forget about it, but THROUGH IT. Make that a habit. I think that's what I did with the singing and the writing. And it all helped me more than I could've ever imagined.
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