I try not to be too controlling  because I know that I could be I try not to give you too many hugs knowing you're a lot like me   I see you with your make up putting on the ritz and one of you is keen to know  how to do the splits   I've tried to avoid calling you pretty  knowing there's much more than that as you grow but you spend more on make up and hair than I do  hair masking, make up facing preparing for? who? for a lot more through life masking pain, things that might not show  till much much later when you know more, like I do knowing more than you know, bout this life and its pains and woes  and beauties too   before your brothers came along it was only you and me it seems like such a long time ago one of you was only barely three and before that, little Greta who once put a pea  up her nose  in between her painting sprees   those brothers take up so much space so much energy you're lucky that way cuz I meddle you le...

"I'd like to know where the bin with what's left of our dignity is." This is what a man said to me recently, waiting for his bin after his TSA check at the airport. Thank you, Man! For putting words to what I had been thinking!! I hadn't flown in awhile.  "You don't fly much, do you," a TSA person scoffed at me, when I asked her what would happen if I refused to go into the radiation tube.   The last time I flew was 2019, before so many things in the world. Before so many things in my head. This time, they chose ME lucky ME for the extra security check, as I "left" Canada for the USA by plane. I was informed that in addition to the usuals (which I also do not appreciate thank you very much) that I had to be patted down, and that I had to have my bag searched. "I'm going to look in your wallet now, ma'am"...oh, my wallet too. My phone too, if they asked for it I'd surely have to unlock and show them what was in there. ...

  Not the vacation glitz and glamour authentically and inathentically (hello, my camera Miss America smile is clearly a bit lackluster here) apparent in our other photos--this is: wet, SOGGY, cold, and in a parking lot strip mall (ughhhh the worst!), but...on a vacation date AND under a double rainbow. "Look, Love, I'm your pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow!"      At some point in your vacation journey, you go from the anticipation, to the bliss of it all finally beginning so beautifully--and even if it's not perfect it's still beautiful, to...well...we take ourSELVES everywhere we go, don't we? I ended up telling my kids (ahem especially ONE of them) this often, on this trip. This, "Remember: you take yourSELF everywhere you go," combined with: "You know, if you spend your time just looking for things to be dissatisfied about, you're going to have a miserable life." Trust me, I'm experienced. (Kids don't care, though. ...

Aren't we too young for this? At my lowest, scrolling through fb, I see a reminder of a friend  Acquaintance  She's now been gone 15 years; I remember A note on her passing, though, led to me to another's That note reminded me of a person A person I hadn't "seen" in awhile here Scrolling through fb She's now been gone at least a year, I learned--a mother, too Aren't we too young for this?   ---------------- I thought I'd evade With my mom strength in spades This sickness that's hovered around Cycled through all of us Especially the small of us And by that snot I had definitely been bound Un bound! Not you ! I'm The Mom! I'm invincible!  I'm not.   ------------------- At my lowest 3 full days in Graduated to the living room couch So lonely, being sick All the comings and goings, while I stick Right here In my grossness "Watch out, there are tissues in the bed!" I'd said Tossing, turning, all night, all day No rest Just ...

"Mama, you can't give in to him like that!"  How many times am I caught off guard by moments like this--surreal! Hosea is advising me on parenting.  This morning, too, I had that all-too-familiar scene with a little one about socks, socks being too tight or having something pokey in them or just not feeling right once the shoes are put on. Seriously Joey? I thought I only had to do that with Hosea? Sock and shoe drama was such a thing with that guy when he was pre-kindergarten. No not these shoes! No they're too tight! No they're too big! No I can't run fast in those! No these ones no these ones no there's something in my SHOE!!!  Traumatizing, really.  For ME. Ok? How much extra time should I have left to make space for that part of any transition? I never learned. And now, here was Joey this morning doing something similar. Only, thankfully I wasn't in a rush like I always felt with Hosea. And...really...Joey doesn't have the stamina that other g...

 ...And Now I Feel Lighter 1. My Favourite Pants 'Twas love at first sight My favourite pants and I Hanging on that rack You did so excite My thrift store heart Clothes, an art Collections  Selections Perfection, the fabric Soft, just right The fit, not too tight I could tell just by looking No need to try on Tiger faces a-roar No tag inside to inspect The price just right: Two dollars My Favourite Pants  2. Here Comes My Man Is that him, again, that riff-raff look? Cycling up that hill? No helmet (no brains?!), just touque (so Canadian!!) No visibility gear Just green, maybe some rips, the pants from yesterday And the day before that And the day before that Hands in pockets, no need to steer Maybe filming, or photoing, or texting me now Sending a song Or, finding his route Heart a-flutter, it might be him!  Serendipity again! Whoops, twas Mistaken But grateful he'll be-a-home later I'll save the flutter  Till then  3. Gloves Leaving a site I realize I have...